Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-11-23 05:50:17 (UTC)

A Certain Level Of Trepidation

Yet another night I've come to bed feeling ferociously tired. I suppose that isn't a terrible thing. It's almost 10pm and I really should make an attempt to get to bed earlier in general. Not just on the nights I have to get up early in the morning. It's tough though, with Snookums working until 11pm. He doesn't get home until 11:20pm or 11:30pm and by the time he eats something and gets settled, it's almost 1am. Some nights I feel bad that I don't make it until 11:30pm to see him. But I know he understands.

I felt all kinds of out of sorts today. My plan was to go for a nice walk on one of the trails in my urban trails guide I bought yesterday. I checked the weather and it wasn't supposed to start raining until between 3pm and 4pm... how come when I left the house a little after noon it was already raining? Granted, it wasn't hard (the torrential stuff did start around 3pm), but it was still hard enough to make walking outside cold and unpleasant. That was the precipice that led to me feeling out of sorts. I wasn't sure how to redirect my day. I didn't have my gym bag in the car with me (I keep meaning to put it bag in, but it slips my mind). So, I went back and forth with myself over what to do.

I settled on going to Central Market to do our Thanksgiving grocery shopping and figured I could walk half a million laps around the store in the process. It's a pretty big place. Not Costco big, but pretty close. I spent about an hour here during what I can only assume to be their rush. I had to circle the lot twice to find a parking spot when usually it's so dead (in the middle of the night when I'm usually there) I get the same parking spot every time (because I'm a creature of habit). After getting asked a half dozen times by employees if I needed help finding something, I decided to call it good. I racked up a little over 6,000 steps. So, not to shabby. I managed the rest in my bedroom while reading a chapter in Don't Touch My Hair. Yes, I'm still working on it. I don't read as much as I should. I know this.

The chapter I read tonight was called How Not To Be The Black Friend. She listed off several scenarios to help you figure out if you are indeed the token black friend... and I failed every scenario. If I'm not currently, I have always been at some point the token black friend to someone. Often well-meaning people who don't realize they're being racist. It's always slightly alarming when institutional racism is pointed out to you and you never saw it even though it was being blatantly slammed in your face. That's how pervasive racism is. Even those who are being oppressed by it have a hard time seeing it for what it is. It's systemic. Deeply engrained in American culture. It's everywhere, and yet most of us - some of us even perpetuating it - don't see or realize what's going on. It's a funny book, but it's a damn good eye-opener too!

I have a social media quandary and I still haven't decided what I want to do. So, a couple weeks ago I found this cute little black bodysuit at Target in the sale section for $5. I figured I'd wear it for Snookums or maybe under a skirt, but it ended up getting lost under a pile of clothes and I forgot about it. Well, I found it tonight and decided to try it on... I can't believe how good I looked in it! I took a picture of myself in it and sent it to Snookums, but I also wanted to post it to my Instagram because I really am stoked about how I looked and felt in it. It's so rare for me to feel good about my body. Even though the bodysuit is covering way more skin than the bikini I wore (and posted a picture of myself wearing) in Hawaii, I feel a certain level of trepidation around posting the picture. Bathing suits are socially acceptable attire. I don't know where bodysuits fall. Is it acceptable? Would it be too much? I am heavily leaning towards posting it, because fuck people's opinions... but I also don't want to be one of those women who ends up getting hellishly objectified because of it, either. It's a tough call...

Dad told me tonight he finally heard back from Harrison and he goes in tomorrow to start doing paperwork. Once that's done, he doesn't go back until the 12th of December for orientation. Call me crazy, but this process is taking a stupid long time. They do realize when people apply for jobs, they actually need to start working said job? It's almost like they're trying to weed people out by dragging out the process. Who knows. All I know is, it will be nice having him out of the house a little more. I love him, but I often feel like my presence disturbs him and I don't want to even be in my own home. Mainly because his room is the living room and he has no other space to himself. It's dumb, I know.




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