✉My Letter To The World✉
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2016-11-12 19:53:36 (UTC)

Dreams last night

I thoroughly enjoyed all the dreams i had last night they were all rather pleasant until i got to thinking about them when i woke up.
It's a bitter sweetness i guess.

One was were i was in a relationship with someone(again he didn't take the form of anyone i actually know because i don't really have feelings for anyone right now)or at least that's the reason i think that the past few times i've dreamed of being in a relationship it wasn't with anyone i know and am friends with.
But anyway in this dream for some reason it seemed like i was royal or a really important person(Trust me i'm not...important or royal...)
cue the song that popped into my hear "And we'll never be Royals, that don't run in our blood! that lucks just not for us, we crave a different kind of buzz" anyways i was someone important and i was going somewhere on a trip... in a cramped pick up truck with 3 other people 1 being my mother, one being the guy i was in a relationship with and one of his friends.(yeah i don't know okay?!)
In hindsight you'd think if i were royal we'd be able to travel in something other than a cramped pick up.
And the relationship was still pretty new and we were still like talking and getting to know things about each other.
I remember we got to a stop in a town and got a hotel, my mom went up to rest and his friend went to i don't know get out go do something and i remember asking the guy if he had the keys to the truck(which my mom who had been driving gave him and he said yeah and i grabbed them and got into the drivers seat and he was like "woah wait are you sure about this?" as if it was a crazy thing that i could or would drive and i said yeah and once i pulled out of the hotel i realized that i knew the city and drove to a park and we got out and walked around talking and holding hands.
(the whole trip we had been trying to find some time to be alone together cause we hadn't even kissed or anything yet and kept getting interrupted)
we were in the park and we get interrupted by his friend who shows up saying that we have to go right now and we jump in the truck rushing away and the last thing i remember is handing him the keys he drove and his friend was in the front seat and i got into the back and i remember seeing him catching my eye in the rearview mirror in the fading light.

(My dreams the few i've had that involve a romantic relationship only one has progressed to a kiss and no farther than that.
any other dreams besides one don't even make it past holding hands or cuddling and talking.
I know that the reader might take this as fear of intimacy and thats why even my subconscious doesn't go farther.
And there is a bit of fear there sure but not an overwhelming fear that would keep me from experiencing love.)

The other dream in my opinion was better than the first and therefore was even sadder when i woke up from it and realized it wasn't real.
A person from my childhood an old teacher of mine passed away earlier this year... i loved her quite a lot and visited her after we had moved away and when she went onto a nursing home.
She was a person that believed in me and always had unwavering hope that i would do great things.
She was 96 she's fought the good fight and finished the race.
My dream which seemed like a really long one...
Was just me talking to her we were in my current church building just walking a circle around it and we talked about all sorts of things my friends from my childhood that she knew about, the friends i made when i moved away, we talked about books and movies and i told her i owned the Hunger games Trilogy and she wanted to read them so i told her i'd bring them next time i saw her and i remember in the dream that she had this sad knowing smile that i didn't get in the dream but of course i get now that i'm awake.
One of the last topics i remember discussing before i woke up was the now you see we'd been working up through my life from when i was a toddler to now and we got to the now and she asked me "So how are you liking it here?" gesturing to the church building we were standing in but it also had a double meaning it meant here since we moved again but also here as in being alive as it life.
and i said to her after a long pause because i wanted to tell her that it was all great and that i was doing good things but i also knew i couldn't lie to her so i said "It's okay i guess things are better now than they were when we first moved, it's more like home than it used to be but i'm still not sure i've found my place here yet, you know me it takes me so long to open up to people.
and she just Replied with "Oh you will!" all happy and confident and so sure like she knew something i didn't
then she said You'll find your place and you'll do it"
and i asked " i'll do what?"
and she said you'll do what i said you'd do. I love you you know?" and i said "I know i love you too" she sqeezed my hand and got up and walked around the corner to where the front door is and i followed a few seconds behind but by the time i rounded the corner she was gone and i felt a sense of peace and happiness at getting to see her and spend time talking to her.
and i think that happiness is what woke me up(Strong emotions can wake you, fear, anger, Sadness and i guess happiness too.
But when i woke up the happiness turned into a sadness because it wasn't real and it felt so real and there are so many parts of that dream that are impossible i should have realized i was dreaming like i usually do but i didn't.

So the whole thing about her saying that i would find my place and do it, what she said i'd do is this:

The last time i spoke to her i was talking about how i was about to take this trip to another county to help people and she was proud but we also talked about what i was going to do with my life and i didn't have any answers for her and she obviously wanted me to figure it out and do well.
when the visit ended the last thing she said to me was this "Go and do it, go out and do good" I love you, Come back and visit me!"

When she says go out and do it, that means go figure it out, when she says go do good, she doesn't mean go make money and be successful she means go do good in the world, I love you is self explanatory, as for the come back and see me!.... I never got the chance when i heard she was close to death i rushed to the hospital to see her to talk to her one more time, but she died while i was driving there i was too late.
and i spent the next week crying.
the next few months mourning and i think apparently i'm still not over it because i cried when i woke up and thought about the dream it's been 8 months.
8 months in a world that she doesn't exist.
I'm okay but it does seem colder with out these people who are dying.

Sincerely and all bitter sweet like
~Only Me~