Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-11-11 06:51:38 (UTC)

This Is Why I Write

I'm angry. I'm on edge. I can't seem to will myself to completely calm down... I just had an explosive fight with my dad, and despite my best efforts, the adrenaline won't subside. Probably because I'm still PISSED. Would it be mean to say I understand why my mother couldn't stay with him? In all her imperfectness, I can understand why that marriage didn't work out. I love him, but having him here has been my single biggest stressor even above the fact that my husband still hasn't gotten his shit fully together (he's trying, but it ain't there yet). It's really hard being in such close proximity to someone who is such a dominant personality type (not unlike myself, except we clash on some heavy stuff). I'm getting beyond the fear he'll leave me again... I'd kind of welcome it at this point. I'll get into what happened more a little later, but first I'd like to focus on the good from my day for a minute.

I spent the day in Port Townsend for the first time in months. Since summer, I'm pretty sure. I don't know why I haven't been back for awhile. It's still one of my favorite places. I parked near the ferry terminal, at the head of Water St. (the main downtown drag), and leisurely strolled the shops. It seemed like every incidental conversation I overheard today was about the election and peoples' opinions about Trump or Hillary. The first being the nautical/pirate themed shop I bought a sweater and scarf from last fall. When I walked in today, the owner was on the phone with someone chatting about the election results. It was obvious that she was a Trump supporter and I did my best to not turn on a heel and walk right out. She's a middle aged woman talking about how Trump will "shake things up" and make a difference, and like all the other Republican talking heads, she excused his egregious behavior as "pandering" and apparently is convinced that he's "all talk". Her words. But what if he isn't? What if he really feels that way about women... immigrants... gays? What if? What happens then? Even though I tried not to let it influence whether or not I bought something, after hearing all that I suddenly wasn't feeling very interested in anything but leaving. So that's what I did.

Actually, I left empty-handed from every shop I went into. Even Phoenix Rising, and I gave myself license to buy whatever I wanted, because I've been so prudent the past several months. Nothing stood out to me as something I needed to have. Part of that is because my closet has become a bit overcrowded and it's cluttering my mind as well as my closet. I need to do some thinning out. There are several things in there I no longer wear or no longer fit. Either way, they should go.

I had an oat milk latte at a cute little coffee shop called Better Living Through Coffee. It was only my second time going there in all the years that I've lived in the area/visited Port Townsend. The first time was earlier this year as Snookums and I were rushing to catch a ferry, so I didn't really get to fully experience the energy of the place. Today I got to sit and stare out the window at the ferry coming and going. It was so serene. Had I known what I was coming home to, I would have just stayed there. Except I wanted to see the kids...

I got home around 6pm with groceries to make my customary weekly pot of soup. This week it's chickpea noodle soup. A vegan take on chicken noodle with a flavorful broth, sweet onion, carrots, celery, and brown rice noodles. Garnished with scallions. It turned out good, even though the noodles absorbed almost all of the broth and it's more like a stew now. Oh well, it's hearty!

All hell broke loose after dinner, as dad, Annie, and I were sitting around talking about the current state of things. Dad and I got into a huge fight about war and diplomacy last year, to the point where I unfollowed him on Facebook and didn't really speak to him for months because of this behavior. Not because we don't share an opinion, but because of the way he gets about this particular topic when you don't share his opinion. Annie brought up something about Republicans and their propensity for starting/engaging in wars the US really has no business getting into. When I casually mentioned that half the wars the US has inserted itself into or started were created by Republican leaders in some capacity in the first place. At that point, he stopped what he was doing and got all He-man/war hero on us, and went off on the same tangent about how Democrats are over-trusting idealists and the world is fully of people who want us dead... and he's right... because of Republican politicians manipulating people's minds and convincing us it's okay to bomb these countries and stealing their resources.

It's pretty simple in my eyes. America insights war. It's Probably easy for me to see that because I'm not personally invested in thinking I'm important, a vet who served my country, doing the right thing because my government told me to. I can admit this country has royally fucked up and other countries have a right to hate us. I can admit that our government is corrupt and something needs to be done about it. I see that what the politicians are telling us is a lot of smoke and mirrors, and nothing is what they make us believe it is. They fill us up with propaganda so we come to hate the unfamiliar boogie-man across the ocean, but they don't divulge the fact that they just bombed the fuck out of that country on the hunch that an evil terrorist "might" be harbored there. it's all a bunch of bullshit, and he buys right into it. All unknowns are out to kill innocent Americans and he's a superhero protecting us. Right.

On most other topics, he is fairly open-minded and will hear my perspective out. We can easily find a middle ground, or agree to disagree, but with this topic he becomes immediately condescending and will NOT entertain an idea outside of his own. He won't research any angle that doesn't align with his, and he has a grandiose view of his military service. Thank god Snookums doesn't. It would be intolerable to be married to someone who thinks that way. Hence why I can see why my mother needed to bow out of their marriage. The fight we had tonight would have been our last if we were in a romantic relationship. And while I know things will smooth over eventually, I will make it abundantly clear that he is NOT to bring up the subject of war in this house. My last words to him on the subject were "shut up, this is my house, and I said drop it" as I slammed my bedroom door behind me. Not my finest moment, but I'm not sorry, I meant everything I said (in anger or otherwise), and I'm not apologizing. I don't expect an apology from him, either, but I do hope the incident inspires him to do some research outside of his personal views.

I feel better about things now that I've vented. Thanks, dairy :) This is why I write. While I was walking in Port Townsend I saw a little bookstore and writer's workshop I'd never really noticed before. It got me thinking about maybe finding some local writer's workshops to maybe get my creative juices flowing. Or maybe some writing classes to help me figure out what I'd like to write about. I already I know I'm a writer at heart, and I get genuine joy out of it... but I still struggle with topics outside of my day to day life. What would I write about if I did land a freelance gig? Would I be able to effectively write on a topic I'm not personally passionate about (like my life)? How do I get my foot in the door? I feel like taking some workshops could help with those kinds of questions. And it would help me find and hone my personal writing style. Right now, I just type what I feel, but I don't know if I have a style per se. I'm sure I do. It's kind of like an accent. Even if you don't notice it, others can point it out right away.

I'm all of a sudden very sleep. The adrenaline has subsided, thank goodness. Maybe now I can sleep... with a little help from my friend cannabis. Goodnight.




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