Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-10-11 08:32:19 (UTC)

Messing With My Mental Health

It's been a hard day. Knowing that the primary reason for my depression flare up is due to hormonal fluctuations doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I struggled today. Hard. And I took it out on a people at work (oops). It didn't help that while the managers and new temporary supervisors (a cashier and a shipment processor they promoted for the holidays since we're lacking two full-time supervisors) I was cleaning a pee soaked rug in the fitting rooms (yes, a full-grown adult intentionally peed in our fitting room). Talk about adding insult to injury. I've worked in this store longer than all of our managers combined, and I'm cleaning a pissy rug while they have a sales meeting. Forget the fact that I do most of the selling (over $10,000 last week alone). If that doesn't scream I NEED TO FIND A NEW JOB - I don't know what does. I'm horrendously undervalued and I think because I've stuck through so much, they assume I'll continue to do so. Lets just say, my feelers are out. I'd never leave without something else lined up, and I know I've said it a dozen times before, but I NEED to get out of here. It's messing with my mental health.

I did the best I could to be present for the kids tonight. I came home from work and laid down for a nap before Keenan got home from school. Just 30 minutes. It was more of a casual meditation session, though. I didn't actually fall asleep. I listed to Calm Meditation radio and brainstormed ways I could commit suicide that would be the least messy or painful. As morbid as that sounds, I do it often. I asked a therapist about it once. She said it's okay to think about suicide in a hypothetical sense, I just shouldn't act on it (for obvious reasons). I tried to commit suicide in high school. I overdosed on some random pills I found in the medicine cabinet. They made me throw up, gave me a terrible headache, and messed with my vision for a few days (black and white spots). It was essentially prescription strength Mucinex. I pretty much decided at that point it wasn't worth the added suffering if I failed, and I didn't try again... oh, but I've thought about it a thousand ways.

I went through the motions of taking Keenan to ballet. Buying groceries for dinner. Cooking dinner (which I picked at). Hanging out with the kids. Talking to dad (which I've barely done in the past few days. I'm just too sad, and based on some conversations we've had in the past it's clear he doesn't understand how tough depression is to deal with). Finally bedtime rolled around and I could disappear in my room... and then I felt better. Why is it I feel most alive when no one is around? I listened to some more Calm Meditation and did my yoga.

I'm proud of myself. For the past two nights I've been doing an hour of yoga before getting into bed. I've been telling myself for ages that I was going to get back into it (for real. Not just a few poses here and there, but a dedicated practice like I used to have). Last night I needed to do something to quell the discontent I was feeling after dad unintentionally interrupted my zen. A quick 10 minute sequence wasn't enough. I'd only planned on doing a bedtime flow, but I got a taste and wanted more. I pulled out my deck of 50 yoga poses and meditations and started going through them. I did them all... and I felt like a new woman. S Health even tracked my workout for me! 175 calories. Not that calories are even remotely why I do yoga, but it's nice that that little calorie burn gets factored in with my other activity so I can make sure I keep my eating balanced.

Tonight I was in a funk so deep, I almost talked myself out of yoga. But a deep sadness is all the more reason to practice. Since last night there has already been improvement! I wasn't as stiff. My balance was better. I could push a little deeper into poses without pain. I even did a full shoulder stand! Not super impressive, but I'm proud of myself. Once I was done, (and feeling much better I might add) I hopped into the shower. While shaving my legs, I came to the realization that Snookums and I have gone almost a month without successfully having sex (we've tried but he failed). I was in such a good place after finishing my yoga that I was feeling benevolent. Plus, my period is a couple days late. We're on borrowed time!

I texted him just as he has getting of work, letting him know that I wanted to spend some quality time with him. He said that sounded good, and that's exactly what we did. First we just talked, but one thing eventually led to another. I'm giving the credit to yoga and Calm Meditation radio. It was a very relaxing experience, and Snookums didn't have any trouble finishing (perhaps if I make him wait a full month for it all the time, he'll never have a problem). Now my period can come, so I can get back to feeling normal!




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