Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-10-04 04:49:43 (UTC)

Why Can't It Be Better?

I've got a little less than half an hour before I have to leave. My dad flies into SeaTac at 11:40pm. I've been to the airport more in the past week than I have in the past 4 years. Hopefully this is the last time for awhile. All I really want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up.

It's been a hard day. Emotionally draining. I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I know it's a toxic combination of hormones and stress. Knowing the cause doesn't do much to alleviate the pain, though.

I didn't get enough sleep last night, but I still managed to get up, shower, dress and get out the door with plenty of time to get to work without rushing. A rarity. It was a short-lived victory. As soon as I got on the highway the low tire pressure alarm went off. The last time that light came on, I blew a tire going 70 mph in the fast lane. I stopped at the nearest gas station to put air in it, but I didn't have enough change for the air machine, and someone took the few dollars I had out of my wallet. I called Jason for help, fully expecting him to not answer... but he did. I can't remember the last time I needed him and he actually answered his phone. How sad is it I was impressed by that? I don't know what it's like to depend on my husband. He lets me down so much. Out of frustration for the hand I've dealt, I cried. I'm well aware of how unfair life is, but why am I experience the unfairness at such a disproportionate rate? And nobody try telling me "it could be worse". Of course it could, but why can't it be better?

I got to work about 20 minutes late. My manager was very understanding, though. Shit happens. Work was good until right at the end. Said manager pulled me into the office to talk about he Ops and Staffing position. She didn't outright say I wasn't getting it, but I got the usual "you're invaluable to our bra business" speech that usually comes when I'm about to be passed over for a promotion. Our district manager comes on Wednesday and I know the topic will come up. I'm guessing she's trying to prepare me for the letdown. Instead she wants to change my coding so I bonus in a different way (based on store performance instead of my own sales). Which is risky. The store very often doesn't exceed plan by 3% which is what would happen in order for me to bonus. As it is now, I make bonus even if the store doesn't make plan. The plus side to it would be the store bonus is much larger than individual bonus. It's something to think about... finding a job where I'm not pigeon-holed for the sole benefit of others would be something to think about too.

I sat in my car after work and cried about that too. It just feels like I can't catch a break. At home or at work. So what's left? On top of that,, I had to message Gen and explain to her why I haven't paid the rent yet. She was understanding and amazing as usual, but it hurts me to let her down. To let myself down. I'm so tired of living like this. Will it ever end?




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