Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-10-02 06:38:11 (UTC)

Wave After Wave

My body is agitated and uncomfortable, even though my mind is surprisingly calm. Despite my life crumbling down around me, I seem to be handling it fairly well. Perhaps I'm becoming accustomed to suffering? How very un-Buddhist of me. I'm supposed to be eliminating suffering, not accepting it. But what am I supposed to do when the hits just keep on coming? Wave after wave, no breaks for air.

Falling asleep crying has always proven to be a great sleep aid. I don't know what Jason was doing, but he stayed at his desk long into the night. I made myself as comfortable as possible (fuzzy socks, thermal pajamas, and I threw a fleece blanket on my side of the bed), got as high as possible, and just sobbed for the life I should be living, not the shit show I'm currently stuck in. It's such a nightmare. An unbelievable nightmare. And that was it. I felt the pain and let it go, because there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm extended as far as possible. I can't do anything more. I have to accept that. Even if it's not enough and the walls are just going to keep crumbling down.

I fully immersed myself in work today. I refused to let myself think about the things going on in my personal life. There was no other way to get through the day. And it was a good day. A good, distracted day. Jason texted, letting me know that his mother is sending money tomorrow to help cover the rent. I usually cringe at the thought of taking money from her, but in this case I have no choice. I think the thing that worries me the most is what happens in the future. What are we going to do next month? Why aren't Jason's checks coming? Will we ever overcome this?
.
I have a lot of question. More questions than answers...




Ad: