Snuffy

Danielito
2016-10-01 19:14:35 (UTC)

Reflecting on my Anxiety

Today I've been reflecting on my anxiety. It really has kept me from being who I want to be. It has robbed me of success, love, fulfillment, self-confidence, and ultimately happiness.

I'm going to have to go back to see Eric, because although my anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be before my sessions with him, I'm still a mess.

I am intimidated by having to sell service contracts which cover all sorts of things I know nothing about. I need to learn to sell F&I products from a menu. I need to get organized with songwriting so I can pump out songs to sell. I need to go down and get a gym membership so I can take care of myself. I need to buckle down on reading and praying everyday.
All these things I haven't started because of anxiety. I'm worried I will fail, or I wont know what to do next. Taking steps to do those things is exhausting. It's like trying to run waist high in mud. So much effort just to move, that I elect to remain still.

I really need to make changes in my life. I need to set clear goals and hit them. What I've been doing isn't working. I say, "I'm going to start selling music. First I need to get a list of styles of songs, then start writing." That's great and all but I need a timeline. I need to commit myself to doing something by a certain date.

But on Monday I did do some scary things! I went to the walk in clinic to see about getting tested for STD's. It was terrifying. I didn't know how to say what I needed because I don't know if it's blood work or a urine test or what. I didn't wanna blurt out "Yeah I need to get tested for STD's, please!"

I ended up not saying anything and electing to set up a visit with a specific doctor in January. I wasn't going to wait until then to find out if I contracted something, so I researched online and it turns out Planned Parenthood does STD testing. I went down there where I did have to tell them what I needed and they made me an appointment for 2 weeks out. That sucked.

Then I went to the dentist office, a random one, and set up an appointment. It's been 10 years since I've been to the dentist... It's going to suck. But my insurance covers that first visit 100%.

So I was proud of myself for doing that. The things that scare me are the unknowns, like for the dentist: how much is my co-pay going to be? Am I gonna have to have oral surgery? Can I afford any of this?

Anxiety also makes me lazy. When it comes to writing songs, I'd rather play X-box or something which requires no effort. Writing is fun but there's a lot of pressure to write something that's going to be judged later on by Brandon and ultimately a music licensing agency. Writing is work. Even when I write for myself, it takes a lot of mental effort. There are many moments where I get stuck and I have to dig deep for a solution to a road block in the song or the lyrics. But when I break through, it's a great feeling and when the song is finished I'm usually very pleased.

But it's no cake walk. I have anxiety about writing something that sucks. I don't wanna spend the evening working on a song I might end up throwing away. So most of the time I choose to spend my time doing something that has a better guarantee for a payoff, like reading my book, playing Xbox, hanging with friends, going for a run, eating delicious food, etc.




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