Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-10-01 05:45:34 (UTC)

Panic

I'm starting to think it might be necessary for me to completely severe my last tie to social media. Instagram. The primary reasons for keeping my Instagram account were:

1. Staying in contact with old friends I don't communicate with otherwise.
2. I love taking and sharing photos. Obviously Instagram is perfect for that.
3. It's a pleasant diversion. I like looking at funny memes and other people's photos.

Solid reasons, I think. The only trouble is, I take it so personally when people unfollow me. Especially when it's someone I feel like I have a connection with. Or when it's someone I had an actual real life connection with (old classmates, coworkers, friends, etc.) It bothers me when they severe ties with me when I'm clearly still interested in being their friend. Ugh... it's all so stupid. I have real problems, and yet I still care about this dumb shit.

I had the strongest, most adverse reaction to being at work today. Really, just the first hour. As I was talking myself through the fierce negativity I was feeling, I reminded myself of the mantra I came up with some months back - Be Here Now - Of course I'm not the first to think it up, but it's mine. Because it helps me so much. So, I took a few deep breaths and tried to take stock of what exactly it was about work I wasn't feeling. Turns out it was the sale bins. For whatever reason the company has been doing more sales. It used to be just Semi-Annual in January and June, but lately there have been more random sales peppered throughout the year. I have a negative connotation of sale time. I do not like Semi-Annual. It's a very close second behind holiday in the list of reasons I daydream about quitting my job and never working retail again.

The fact of the matter is, regardless of how I feel about the stupid sale, I still have to be there. I still have to work. And really it's not like my job is all that physically taxing. More go backs means more diversion, and more diversion means the day goes by faster. And it did. Once I got over my little hissy fit and started immersing myself in helping customers, it wasn't so bad. I even got an Angel card today. Christine was so happy. It almost makes me want to try harder getting them... but not really.

Jason didn't get his VA benefits again this month. That makes 3 months in a row, and we're financially destitute. Like, I can't even pay the rent... or my car payment. I don't know what to do, and I can't count on my husband for anything. I just want to crawl in a hole. I've exhausted any options I can think of, and meanwhile my husband just twiddles his thumbs and waits for something to go right. Or asks his mom for money. His mom can't pay the rent. I have no idea what to do. I don't know how we're going to get through this. I'm numb, and I don't know what to do, or what my next move should be. I'm out of moves. And quite frankly I'm tired of trying to pull us out of these messes, only to be plunged into an even deeper hole. I'm on the verge of panic, but what good would that do? Somehow this will work out. I don't know how, but something magical has to happen.

What have I done to deserve this?




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