rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-09-30 17:47:01 (UTC)

Prospects

I guess I'll just jump right into this but I'm wondering about this job interview that I have for Monday and realizing how important it is for me to know rather or not I'll get this job. It's not that the job is great or pays well, but it's a job and right now I have to fulfill that basic need without being picky. The thing however is that there are a lot of other jobs hiring right now too for the holiday season so if I don't get this job I will need to go ahead and start applying for these other jobs.


You see I was watching a documentary the other day about highly intelligent children who had scored very high on the MENSA test. Well, all these children were competing against each other to determine who was the smartest. Well, someone in the documentary was explaining about how we're always in competition with one another, I think it was one of the parents who was trying to explain that even if it may not seem healthy to focus so much on intelligence that the reality is that we as humans are always in competition with one another, and I thought about that in terms of my current job search, how well do I stack up against other applicants? for a while I was starting to take not being able to find a job very personal and I even questioned rather I deserved a job or the opportunity to work at all. The thing I realize is that even this low paying job that I'm applying for has competition, the reality is that I will need training on how to use their specific system, and how things work there which may be very different from my old job. In this sense it would be smarter for HR to hire someone who already knows their specific system to eliminate the need for training. In that case they would be hired over me.


When I think about all of this it makes me wonder if all my working life have I felt entitled to have a job? I haven't held jobs that pay well, in fact most of these jobs pay me pennies compared to what others make or the company as a whole, but I guess that's because it's a very low skilled job, if I want a high paying job I'm going to have to get the skills I need. I feel like it's a deep hole that I'm stuck in.


The other day I was reading a story of a woman who was explaining how she was only 23 but had a house, good job, masters degree, and was pretty much enjoying her life. I can't deny that I felt jealous, she has already accomplished so much more than I had at her age and she's not the only one, actually in terms of success I am lagging behind for those in my age group. All of that had me thinking about my ascribed status and if I am just destined to be poor for the rest of my life. I even feel guilty for being poor, I feel ashamed like I shouldn't tell people, but it's my reality.


There is also the question of rather I'm trying hard enough to get out of this hole. Far too often I accept low wages and I accept low standards without demanding more from myself to be better. The thing is that I've seen how good people are living and I think about it in terms of the human life span since we only have so long to live, in that time it's important to be successful because it can determine your quality of life. My quality of life is poor and I'm jealous of what other people have, I'm jealous because they get to feel security and hope for the future. When I think about it in terms of the human life span it doesn't make sense that we don't (as human species) prepare every child born for a better future. Trust me if I sound like I'm complaining that I wasn't spoiled or given everything in life I'm not. I'm too deeply aware of the struggles of other people that I wouldn't dare try to make it seem like I was the worst off person ever.

But the fact remains that my quality of life right now is poor and I'm working on changing that, so getting this job or any job will mean a lot to me.


And you know what? with all this going on with me trying to build a better future for myself I am wondering about my sister. Today I went into her room and it was a dump, I'm not saying this to sound critical of her but I don't understand how she stays in there, the smell is horrible, she has clothes, food, drinks, trash..etc all thrown around the room, there is not a bare spot on the entire floor and her poor dog stays huddled up in a small corner. She doesn't take her dog on walks or allow the dog to have any exercise, she lets the dog out maybe once a day to use the bathroom then stuffs it back into the room with her where she plays video games throughout the rest of the day. Ever since she moved back in I was telling her she should clean up, but she won't listen to me, she never does. She actually never listens to me, even back when she was attending a for profit college I tried to tell her that it was a waste of money and that she should attend community college and then transfer her credits, but she wouldn't listen, instead she buried herself deep into debt and still had no degree or certificate. Even now she has no initiative she won't clean up, won't try to gain a new skill, she just plays video games all day and talks on the phone. I don't understand it.


I think the reason why it makes me so upset is because she is older than me, and even as a child I always had expectations of how a older sibling was supposed to be but she has never been that, the thing is that she's always been this way. But right now in particular it's really irritating me because she has no job but continues to run up the electricity bill by playing games all day... and the reason why that upsets me so much is because I'm the complete opposite, when I didn't have a job I made sure to not run up the electricity bill, I even would go the library and charge my electronics there so I wouldn't run up the bill, it seems like common sense to not spend money you don't have but my sister doesn't see that, she spends money she doesn't have all the time.


But I try not to be so critical of her, I try.. but it's really hard. Stuff that seems like common sense to me she never grasps or does. She hasn't showered in days and she doesn't smell herself but everyone else does, most people are just nice about it though because she's very kind to people, she doesn't show the same type of caution with others as I do. She and I are as different as night and day but I've been working on improving, I'm trying to be a better me and build a future, I'll admit in the last few years I was kind of in a fog and I missed out on so many opportunities and I failed at building relationships and opportunities for myself that if I had taken I wouldn't be in the spot I'm in right now... but now I feel a lot clearer... I have been neglecting my health and that is been a major problem for me.


Speaking of my health I feel like I'm getting closer to finding out what is wrong with my body, and it seems that my body has an issue with breaking down food and using it for energy. The thing is that if I eat heavy foods or any type of carbohydrates that my stomach has a hard time digesting it and the energy never gets broken down and used, this doesn't just effect my stomach but also my brain which may be the reason for my brain fog and lack of energy, and for me brain fog and lack of energy had left me in a zombie like state for too many years, although I was always working towards a goal I was never doing my best. Meaning that although I got really good grades in college I never focused my time and effort into other things that would of helped me be successful today. That can even been seen right now in the present time because I've been spending my time doing so much researching on my health, careers, certificates..jobs..etc.. but I haven't been very proactive in actually physically doing anything.

I'm still in the process of removing my amalgams though, it may sound strange but I think having the one that I had removed did help me a bit, I feel like I'll have a better idea of rather it's working or if it's a placebo effect when I get my next one taken out. From what I've read it may not simply be just the vapors that are released in small quantities but also that they kind of act like magnets in the mouth. So that's that and then there is also the fact that I think my mouth produces more saliva than the average person which would increase my exposure.


I did start to feel guilty about the entire thing regarding amalgams because I know for so many people it seems like a huge scare tactic, but for me I feel like I've tried everything and I still have these problems so if doing this helps then I'm willing to give it a try. I'm very eager to see if having them removed makes a difference, ultimately my goal is to feel better. I still have 4 left and am waiting for a job to come through before I continue with getting them removed, I'm also still taking the slow process because I want to be sure I'm making the right decision.


Well I still have 2 more days until my interview, I wish she hadn't put it off for so long because the reality is that maybe she already had other people lined up for interviews during the 4 days since she called to schedule an interview and by the time she gets to me the jobs could very well be gone and that means I wasted 4 days not applying for other jobs because I thought I was going to get this job... this is the reason why I put in so many applications because you never know which one is going to accept you... at this point I'm starting to feel like I'm take anything.... but I still have to be reasonable..


Well I'm going to get some sleep.. maybe I'll go out tomorrow but I'm not sure because I've been trying not to spend extra money on gas and each time I drive a use just enough to make me have to spend more money and even public transportation isn't free so I'll figure something out.




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