jasmine

Conversations with myself (live from the pinkroom
2016-09-29 19:18:57 (UTC)

aftermath

I went to class as per normal. No one noticed. Over the years I got good at pretending everything is alright. A couple times I almost had breakdowns while talking to Didi. I just felt everything was just fucked up and I couldn't tell anyone. I managed to calm my breathing on both accounts. My eyes got watery but I didn't let a tear fall. Eventually, I found a way to get away from Didi before our last class for the day. I found one of my favourite isolated spots. I pulled out the book I was currently reading and it helped calm me down. Reading, watching videos, just keeping my mind "happy" and free. Anything else made it easy to get flashblacks of his hands dangerously close to my face. Every few minutes, it keeps replaying in my head. I see him threatening with his hand before he hits me. I keep seeing it in my head. I just have to forget to keep my mind busy for one second and I'd see it againI can't study. I have 3 tests, 2 presentations next week and I can't focus. The only way I don't think about is if I keep reading a novel. I finished it today. My mind is completely blank right now. So the flash blacks comes more frequently. I don't know what to read next. I need something to preoccupy my time and mind.

The swelling is almost gone I think. The spot still hurts. The bone hurts. My heart hurts. My mom is yet to say anything to me. I don't want to go to class but future me might not like it. I really don't want to go. My mind will be open then. The flashes might attack. I hope I don't lose it in class.

H sent some web links, addresses, hotline numbers of agencies that deals with this stuff. He's urging me to go. I told him I don't want to go. I just want leave. Plus I don't know what I'd say on the hotline. I don't know what I'd tell them, wherer to start, what actually happened.

Anyway xoxo much love honey bunchies




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