Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-09-29 07:07:10 (UTC)

Disgustingly Bitter

Man, I woke up in the most disgustingly bitter mood. So bitter, I could practically taste the negativity. I looked in the mirror and hated how I look. I couldn't wrap myself around one positive thought. My family takes me for granted, work takes me for granted. I'm unhappy with my living situation. My financial situation. My marriage. My ability to successfully parent. Just fucking everything is wrong. Or so it felt.

I took a long, hot shower (in the smallest shower stall to ever be constructed on the face of the earth. Have I mentioned I hate how small our shower is? This house has taught me a lot about what I don't want in my own home - whenever I finally get my own home, but that's another discussion). I felt slightly better about life once I got out. Still a little sour, but I'd given myself plenty of time to get dressed, so that helped my mood a bit. Nothing puts me in a crap mood more than having to rush to get ready for work. I didn't have that issue today. For once.

Despite being on a no (or little) makeup kick lately, I felt compelled to put on a full face today: eyeliner (top and bottom eyelids), a little shimmer shadow, highlighter, I even filled in my very sparse brows. Whenever I get into one of my "I hate my face" funks, makeup helps. I think for that reason alone I'll never swear it off. Rationally I know I fall within the parameters of conventional beauty. I'm attractive enough. But for whatever reasons, I have a hard time accepting myself on a deeper level. It doesn't really have much to do with the arrangement of my features, even. I just look at myself and I'm tired of this body. This life. Like my soul wants to move on, but it's stuck in this meat vessel. Be patient soul, it's too soon to move on yet...

Work was actually good today. If I can look beyond the fact that it was dead, and I didn't sell more than $500 (which I usually average in an hour on a good day), and I can. I wasn't exactly in a people-pleasing kind of mood. I had projects to work on in lieu of selling. We're finishing up a floorset and there were some fine-tunings that needed to be done, so I spent the better part of my day scrolling through the digital brand guide, setting launch surfaces, dressing and undressing mannequins, and changing colors on menu trays. Pleasant diversions. I enjoyed it. By the time I got around to checking the time (after coming back from break. Obviously I checked it then), I had 30 minutes left. And I'm off tomorrow. I survived yet another day in retail. Small victories.

It was such a lovely evening. I decided to sneak in a quick walk before grabbing groceries for dinner and coming home. I parked at Old Mill Park and walked the Clear Creek trail all the way to Silverdale Waterfront Park. Roundtrip it ended up being 2.43 miles. Not too shabby. I got to watch baby salmon jump out the water, listen to water birds (herons and sea gulls) "talk" to each other, and I took in the most beautiful orange and red sunset. Nature is just about the only thing that gives me life. As much as I love my family, they honestly deplete me more than fulfill me. I don't even feel bad about admitting that. I'm sure I'm not the first mother to feel that way. Being in nature recharges and revives me. No matter how mentally/emotionally/physically drained I may be feeling. It did that for me today.

I stopped at Trader Joe's and ran into one of the few people on this god forsaken planet I'd consider to be a true friend. She's old enough to be my mother, and we're from totally different walks of life, and yet we connect on a level I don't connect with most people on. With that being said... we haven't seen or spoken to each other since MARCH! I'm a horrible friend. I fully admit that. We stood in the middle of the produce section catching up for what seemed like a good half hour/ 45 minutes. We parted with a hug, and the promise of getting together soon, but who knows if that will actually happen. Because like I said, I'm a horrible friend.




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