Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-09-16 06:23:20 (UTC)

I'm So Sad

Up until about two hours ago, I would have said today was a good day. It's funny how everything can change in a matter of moments.

I slept in late this morning. Mostly because I went to bed late. Snookums doesn't get home until almost midnight, and I think he finally understands how hard it is to wind down at night when you get home so late. He's staying up, so I'm staying up. And since I need my coveted time alone, I stay up even later than I normally would solely because I need at least two hours to myself with no one talking to me, demanding my attention in some way, or even just being awake in my presence. Introvert problems, I suppose.

I accomplished nothing today. I went to Dollar Tree and bought some postal supplies (a bubble mailer, permanent markers, tape) so I could mail something to Gen. But I forgot her address at home. I suppose I could have messaged her for it, but I kind of want her to receive it in the mail unexpectedly. That's always nice. She's done it for me in the past, and I want to return the favor. That, and I've been holding onto these things for almost a year! I accumulate little things here and there, but never send them. I'll try again tomorrow.

I came home this afternoon and out of the absolute blue, decided that I NEEDED to do something about my hair. The fact is, I haven't been liking it all that much lately. I appreciate how unique and coveted my particular texture of curly hair is, but it's gotten to the point where I've been throwing it up in a bun again because I can't get it to cooperate. At one point I had long, side swept bangs and layers that created visual interest and a nice shape. The layers are still there, even though it's gotten a lot longer (and I had it trimmed not too long ago), but the long bangs have grown out and blended into the rest of the length of my hair. I side part it and it hangs in my face. Or I part it down the middle and it looks flat and non-dimensional. It's also been frizzier than usual. Overall, I just wasn't happy with it. The shitty part of it all, is that the only DevaCurl certified stylist refuses to take risks. I asked her for bangs and she acted like that was the worst idea ever. Even though I follow several curly Instagram "celebrities" who have bangs, and they look so cute! So, today was the day. I literally watched two YouTube tutorials and said "fuck it, bangs it is!" So, long story short... I have bangs now. Just a little fringe. I'm actually considering cutting a little more hair into them so they're thicker (you can see my forehead through them, but I wanted to play it conservative before getting crazy with the scissors). I posted a few pictures on Instagram and my friends are loving the look, so I feel pretty okay about it. I just hope they don't prove to be difficult to style in the morning. Thank goodness I close tomorrow, so I have plenty of time to figure out the best routine.

I took the kids to Battle Point so I could walk and they could play. I underestimated how quickly it would get dark, so I only got two laps (about 3.5 miles) in instead of the three I'd wanted to. Good enough to get my steps in, and I got to watch the moonrise which was gorgeous and fiery red.

On the way home is when the day went from good, to not so great. My phone is synced to my car's navigation/entertainment system. When I get phone calls, they play through the car's speakers. Well, I happened to get a phone call from Keenan's dance studio and I knew it had to be about the nutcracker. I don't feel like going into all the details of the conversation, but he didn't get in, and he got to hear it from the director, not me. I should have been the one to tell him. I'm not sure what I'm more upset about: that his teacher set him up for failure, or that I didn't listen to my intuition (which told me he wasn't ready) and set him up to be hurt. He was (and will probably be for awhile) very upset about not making it. I think he felt like he really had a chance. I was cautiously optimistic, but only because his teacher suggested he audition. I never would have had him audition had she not mentioned it.

I cried about it for a little bit. All of 3 minutes. I cried because Keenan is hurting. Not because I wanted him to get in and he didn't. Honestly, a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me. The expense and time invested in being a part of this production was not something I wanted to sign on for, but I was willing to do it for him. I cried, because I feel like I failed him as his mother. I should have seen this coming and protected him from it. This was unnecessary suffering, and I was too proud of him to see that he didn't have what professionals would be looking for. There's more to ballet than just looking cute. I know this, because I danced for years. I dropped the ball as a parent. That's what I cried about. And then I let it go. Because there's nothing I can do about it now. I had the necessary conversation with him about trying harder next time. Giving his all in class. Using this disappointment as fuel for improvement. Getting better and better, and someday getting the part he wants. I know he's got great potential, but it's raw and undeveloped. His day will come.

I haven't eaten a single thing all day. Well, yesterday now since it's almost 1am. Between my weird "nothing sounds good" phase, and the emotional turmoil brought on by Keenan not making it into the nutcracker I haven't even felt hungry, really. I had coffee this morning and some cold pressed juice this afternoon, but that's it. I'm wondering if I should eat something, or just go to bed. I still don't feel like eating... I'm so sad.




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