rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-09-15 19:43:27 (UTC)

Gay stuff...

This entry will be about stuff regarding homosexuality, I figure it is best to give a fair warning since over the years I've come to accept that people are sensitive about the subject or don't want to know about it... although I will be honest and say I feel upset to have to give such a disclaimer because I don't personally find the topic to be that serious in nature.. and either way I'm hoping to open up more and talk about much deeper things in the future.


Well... where should I start... today wasn't a productive day because my sister was home being loud in her room playing video games.. she did head off to work this morning but came right back and never went back to work.. I don't know, I didn't ask.

But I need to rewind to last night. Last night I discovered this woman, she's an "ex-homosexual" that could mean different things to different people. She's also a christian fundamentalist. It's not as if I've never heard of ex-gay people before and I've heard lots of stories of people who are ex-gay through different means but mostly all under the religious umbrella. But I don't know.. this woman stood out, maybe because she and I are very close in age and that she seems to have a much stronger passion about the whole ex-gay movement. Apparently she is writing a book about being an ex-gay and I found her completely by chance. She's very passionate about this too.. she claims she found God and that he completely transformed her.. one thing that she does that many other ex-gays don't do however is to accept small parts of herself.. I'm not even sure what that means but that's the best way for me to describe it. She doesn't completely bash homosexuality, and she confronts serious topics like rather one could possibly be born gay or influenced. But none of her reasoning is science based or even morally based, it's all based on her religion and nothing else.


So why am I writing about her?? well, I find her interesting, not so much her message but the how and why she is throwing herself out here like she is. At first I was convinced that she must be getting paid by a Christian group to claim that she was once homosexual and that she has now been set free when she never was... but I'm not so sure. But she doesn't have the qualities I've identified so far in my study of homosexuality, and it looks like in her present life she seems to be choosing the single life. The biggest question I have for anyone who identifies as ex-gay is why is it necessary to identify and proclaim your ex-gay status? .. I mean, the whole world is adapted for heterosexual relationships, to go from the minority to the majority should be a very easy transition and one that doesn't need to be proclaimed from every rooftop.. meaning, she talks and talks about how she has changed but hasn't shown it.


I'm not bashing her by the way.. I mean, it's her life, but that's the point... it's her life and other people also have their own life... but she is passionate about changing other people. She wants gay people to change, she feels like she has found the light and now she wants other people to see the light as well...

That's all fine and dandy... but this is not where people need to start in my opinion. We still haven't figured out WHY homosexuality even exist.. I mean, what is the point of it? why does it happen? .. I was thinking about these things today and found my book on ethics and read a few of the paragraphs regarding the morality of homosexuality.. in the book it says that most people are disgusted by homosexuality because they think it's unnatural. My question is where does the disgust come from.. meaning.. what part of the brain and why. But the book also said that although people feel it's unnatural that doesn't make it morally wrong or morally right. In my opinion it's all up in the air. But without even focusing on that we need to understand why and we need direct answers, not just genetics or environment. For example what is the evolutionary process that is going on that makes some women dress more masculine, act masculine and present themselves as the traditional male? It can't just be because one saw another one do it.. there has to be some type of process behind it and some type of reward. This is one thing I've been trying to work on figuring out, it's not easy because it's hard to measure and most importantly it's hard to have a complete history on any one individual let alone enough for a good enough sample size.


I mean.. at what age does a woman decide she is going to stop wearing the dresses and bows that she has likely worn since childhood and change her dress and demeanor... by the way, I know not all women who are masculine are gay...that also makes things complex, history doesn't tell us much besides women once had very strict traditional ways of dressing and acting and at some point we entered a liberal stage... this can spin off into so many debates about what may have happened but I won't go there.


So back to this woman, she's no longer gay right? so she's no longer a member of an oppressed minority population that is often the target of attacks and discrimination, why does she not just disassociate herself and move on with her life... why feel the need to "help" others?


By the way, please don't be defensive about what I'm saying, I haven't painted a clear picture and I'm not articulating my thoughts very well right now so things will come across very "raw"..unfiltered.. I mean... I just want to understand this, it's interesting to me. I need to put together all the pieces to this puzzle.. I like to think of myself as meeting some place in the middle.. one thing I've searched and searched for is people talking about the morality and social implications of homosexuality, but there is never any, just all religious based.. so is it just religion? Also I hope I'm not coming across as anti-gay.. my own reality is that although I did want to be TTs friend I can't deny the scope of how far that extended.


Anyway, lately I've been having a hard time expressing the complex feelings I've been having, not regarding sexuality, but everything, my job status, life, death, relationships, morality, the universe, people...just everything. Since leaving my job I've had so much more time to think about things and it gets overwhelming. I need to get my thoughts together... that's one thing I like about this woman, despite her message being a bit backwards she presents it well... this is what makes me suspicious.. is she an actress? I will confess, I don't trust actors. Actors are very good at disguising their true selves and they can be hard to decipher, their training allows them to put on many different roles and I can't tell what is what. I'm the type of person who searches a persons speech, body language and demeanor to determine what is going on in their heads but some people are so good at masking it, and it's mostly actors. I haven't figured out how to break through that yet.


Well I could go on and on, but unfortunately I'm getting sleepy. I've been missing my old job but I'll talk about that another time... I'll talk more about homosexuality too.





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