Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-09-14 05:12:28 (UTC)

Four Little Red Rose Buds

I've been in a pensive mood today. Not necessarily sad... just quiet. Thoughtful. Observant. Much more kind to myself and less critical overall. Which is good. I find that when depressive episodes flare up, so does my propensity for negative thoughts and actions. No surprise there. I think that's pretty typical. I'm starting to think that the ebb and flow of my hormone levels are directly impacting my mental state. As my estrogen levels drop about 10 days to a week before my period starts, I feel the worst. Like I hit a wall and the bricks pile up on me. I can't get out from under them. But as my hormones start to level out, I feel better. I think I might benefit from some sort of supplementation. After I had Keenan, a nurse practitioner I saw for something or another recommended I try taking evening primrose oil. I can't recall if it helped, or if I even stayed on it long enough to see any marked improvement. I guess looking into it wouldn't hurt. Chances are good I didn't take a therapeutic dose, either. I hate swallowing pills.

I had an interesting conversation with Christine (my manager) today. I hadn't heard anything about the Ops and Staffing position in weeks. I was starting to wonder if maybe I wasn't being considered anymore. I didn't have the guts to ask about it. But she brought it up today. Initially she wanted to have a touch base on performance (which in my case, was a very positive conversation. I had a good month last month). After discussing last month's results, she brought up the topic of Ops and Staffing. Basically, she wants me to increase my transactions per hour and open more Angel cards to show our DM that I'm meeting all the metrics we hold every other sales specialist accountable to. It makes sense. I struggle with TPH. It's hard wardrobing multiple customers with the level of attention I give. I feel those interactions will suffer if I spread myself too thin. Angel cards... I just hate selling credit. I know it's part of my job. I get that it's an expectation. I would just rather leave it to the cashiers. Most people are very resistant to opening a credit card, and I hate the feeling that I've lost some credibility or rapport with a customer because it sounds like I'm just trying to sell them on it. I couldn't care less if they open one, but the company cares. Ugh. I still can't even decide if I want this position. Especially with the potential commitment Keenan might have to The Nutcracker. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen, and I'll manage however I need to. I always do.

I felt the slightest twinge of a headache coming on when I got home. So, in the interest of self care, I put myself down for a nap while the kids did chores and homework. I slept for about an hour, then got up to make dinner. I felt about a thousand times better for it, and I know I had a better evening with the kids because of it. I didn't eat enough today. I think that's what triggered the headache. I just have no appetite right now. I go through phases like this. First I want to eat everything in sight, then nothing at all. Feast or famine. I have no happy medium. I made a really great shepherd's pie, but could only get myself to eat a few bites. Keenan made me a cup of green tea with four little red rose buds in it. That was my dinner... I'll have some fruit later.

Snookums texted earlier today and asked me to make something with potatoes for dinner (hence the shepherd's pie, even though I had no desire to eat that), and asked if sex was possible. I told him yes to both sex and potatoes, but I'm kind of going back and forth on the sex part. I've been feeling kind of vulnerable lately (between the depressive state and now the pensive one). I'm not sure if I want to. Although, there has rarely been a time that I regretted having sex with my husband. He's very attentive and sweet. I'll see how I'm feeling when he gets home. I've still got an hour to decide.





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