Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-09-11 05:30:00 (UTC)

My Ignorance Is Gone

I'll get the most irritating parts of my day out of the way. I think I'll feel better once I do that... we got a piece of mail from Donald Trump's campaign today, addressed to my dad. In his full name. It wasn't randomly sent here. No "current resident". His full given name. It was sent because my dad is a supporter. I can't confirm that 100%. Perhaps they sent it because he's a registered Republican (that I knew), but what if he does support Trump? It's yet another notch down he's fallen off the pedestal I placed him on. As much as I know it's wrong to idealize people, not growing up with him around kind of did just that. I always had this idea of him in my head, and now the more I get to know him, the less fantastical I'm realizing he is... he's a human just like the rest of us. Flawed, and full of very different views and opinions from me. I guess I just find it hard to believe that someone I have so much in common with, I share so few views with. We're pretty much total opposites when it comes to everything. I haven't been thinking about it much since he's been gone, but getting that piece of shit mail brought it all back. We're so different... and yet so alike... and I don't know how to process or handle that. Right now I'm having a tough time understanding my husband, too. The two men I love the most, are closest to, live with, are like aliens to me. Not who I thought they were.

All day long Snookums has been a bit of a dick. Irrationally angry, short tempered, moody, non-communicative, brooding, or just plain silent. Or a combination of them all. He was no fun to be with, and by the time we were done with Keenan's audition (more on that later), I was done with him. I didn't want to be around him anymore. No matter how many times I asked him what was wrong. How I could help him. What he needed to feel better. I got nothing. He couldn't even tell me what was bothering him. During the parent meeting (at the audition) he was visibly uninterested in being there. Even though I told him he didn't have to go. I took the day off to take Keenan. He insisted on going, then turns around and acts like an asshole because he didn't want to be there. Annoyed sighs, arms crossed tightly across his chest, deep scowls on his face, clearly not listening. Then, as we were leaving he loudly proclaimed how he wasn't "wasting his time" volunteering, even though the entire meeting was about how important parent contribution is to the success of the production. I was so embarrassed by his behavior, and I told him so when we got in the car. He didn't even apologize, or offer a reason for his behavior. Typical of him lately. I keep thinking back to the earlier years of our marriage, and I can't remember him being so moody. Or maybe I'm more observant now... Perhaps he's not as happy as he was back then. That makes two of us. Ignorance is bliss, and my ignorance is gone.

The third and most annoying occurrence today was the realization that I've got yet another health situation going on. It looks like I've developed a cyst behind my left knee. When Keenan was about 4 months old I hurt my knee playing tennis (trying to lose baby weight/get back in shape). Occasionally it swells off and on. It's beyond anything I've seen it do before, though. When I fell hiking in July, I noticed that there was a firm-ish feeling lump underneath the front of my knee cap. It also has been clicking and popping. Now, the lump has migrated from the front of the knee cap to behind my knee, and it's causing my upper calf to hurt, too. It's easily the size of a golf ball. If not bigger. Over the course of the day I couldn't figure out why my muscle soreness was getting better everywhere except for the back of my left leg. By dinnertime, not only was it not getting better, it was hurting more, and my range of motion is affected. It feels tight and full of pressure. I asked Snookums to look at it, and he's the one that noticed how big the bump is. I googled it, and I think it's a Baker's cyst. He wants me to get it looked at. He's an asshole, but he cares about me a lot. That much I know. If it's not better tomorrow, I'll call on Monday.

Keenan's audition went well, I think. He was so excited, his joy was infectious! I couldn't help but be excited for him. I was also nervous for him. I tried not to show it. I didn't want him to feel anything but the happiness and excitement ballet always brings him. He got to meet the other 5 male dancers at his studio (two his age and three older), and it was so sweet watching him make friends. It's hard for him, since he's such a quiet boy. An introvert like his mama. The older kids (some already with parts, veterans of the production) helped warm the younger kids up, helped them learn the audition choreography, and did a fair bit of kid wrangling. It was nice to see how involved they were. How much they cared about the younger kids coming up behind them. It makes me dream about someday seeing Keenan helping the younger dancers under him.

We won't find out if he's gotten a part until some time later this week. The cast list is supposed to be emailed. I can't wait! If I had to guess, I'd say he'll be a soldier. But who knows. I'm sure he'll be happy with any role.




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