rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-09-07 19:41:37 (UTC)

Ramblings

I have a few different things I want to write about, it's about 9pm here and there has been yet another accident on the street that connects to my street. I haven't been writing about all the accidents that happen on this street but it's actually quite a lot, I think I just tend to notice them more around this time of the season because I keep a window open to get fresh air but I also end up hearing more of the accidents that happen on this street.

In just this year I have seen at least 3 accidents which is a lot considering that this isn't a major road. It's actually a dangerous street because it is very narrow and has major curves, a lot of people also always walk on the street and they have no side walk. The reason why I hate it is because it's so narrow and anyone who is speeding or driving distracted could make a simple mistake and crash head on into another car or even hit someone walking, when I first moved here I saw that problem but it seems that the only solution would be to widen the street but that would mean people would loose some of their driveway and the mailboxes would have to be pushed back, I guess the city just doesn't have the money for it or the street hasn't been deemed unsafe enough for them to try and fix the problem. One sad thing that I actually read about how they determine if a street has a safety issue is based on how many people die on the street and they will only fix it if that number is too high! isn't that outrageous!


It's not just that the road is narrow either, people speed all the time which is the worst thing to do because the road has many curves and is narrow, I've also seen loose dogs in the street and people crossing the center lane. I think one of the biggest reasons why this street sees so much traffic is that it connects two major roads and it's the fastest way to get to them so during peak hours the road can get really busy, I try to stay off the road during those times.


Anyway, enough about that. I have been disappointed since Tuesday since the dentist that I made an appointment with called me and told me that they had made a mistake and that the day that I was scheduled for my visit, which was the 9th, wasn't actually available, she said it was a computer error. It made me upset because I've been wanting to hurry up and get this process started and over with. Now I'll have to wait until the 19th! which is a week away... it gets in the way of my job search because I'm trying not to set up appointments around the time I may be getting a job or a job interview. But I've been trying to think positive about it.. and maybe something good will come out of it.

I want to write something right now that may not come across as a good thing..possibly, but I've still been thinking about TT. But it's a huge kind of disappointment feeling. I keep feeling like I should of been better, a better person... then maybe she and I could be friends. I also keep thinking about how she seems to represent something far greater than herself and myself, mostly because I have an image in my mind of her as being very stable, unafraid, happy,.... you know just a well-rounded perfect individual, which is everything I want to be, so when I think of her like that I feel peaceful. She was also one of the nicest people to me there, I remember when I was first moved there, I was so distressed and panicking, although I was trying to hide it well I think she picked up on it and tried to comfort me in a very distant professional kind of way... lol, at first I felt that maybe it was me, but after noticing her for awhile and comparing her to others she just seems like a naturally, quite and reserved person, plus I think she has been hurt in her past so she doesn't open up to people very quickly. She was just perfect, I really mean it, if I could explain in great literarily detail her essence I think you'd be just as captivated, I actually think many people are captivated by her, but she is very reserved.


There is actually a theory called the social exchange theory which I think I've written about before, but it's always something I want to mention when I write about relationships with others because I believe that this theory not only pertains to romantic relationships but nearly all relationships one can have with any human including strangers. For a quick reference (wiki): "Social exchange theory posits that human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives." Basically Social exchange theory focuses on the rewards and benefits in relationships. I'm not going to go into details about the theory but I can't help but to think about it and how it relates to TT and when she first met me. Because of social norms I didn't jump immediately into asking her tons of questions when I first met her, if I didn't feel there needed to be social and professional boundaries then I would of asked her tons of questions and got an idea of what she thought of me but you can't just do that stuff in the real world. So instead I was just polite and quite.


But the whole theory has me asking what do I have to offer people?? what can I offer others to make them want to go out of their way for me?? I'm not just talking about in romantic terms.. I mean, even relationships with family can fall under this theory. But what I'm saying is that I want to be "worth it" to people, not just TT but anyone. Right now my biggest problem is that I have a difficult time showing and expressing how I feel about other people especially when they do something nice for me... I'm not creative enough to come up with something that will make them feel as equally special. The problem with that is that it makes me look selfish. For example, at my last job there were some co-workers who seemed to be more willing to help me when I needed it than others, I would be extremely thankful for their help and yes I would say thank you and it would be sincere but I always struggled with showing that I truly appreciate something that someone did for me in a way that I felt it matched and could make them feel like I was sincere... because sometimes words are not enough, the simple "thank you" doesn't always match the task. BTW I always say thank you, I could thank people all day long, but showing I'm thankful has been an issue I've always struggled with. It even got to the point that I didn't want people to do anything nice for me because I felt like I wouldn't be able to do the same in return.


So.. if you can imagine, me always being the "needy" one doesn't help me out much in the social exchange theory. I need to be able to offer something, maybe TT would have wanted to get to know me if she saw that I had something to offer her. But without that I may have just seemed like a regular person just passing through. Either way I need to add this to my list of things to start improving on after I get my health straightened out. Just thinking about that theory and applying it to my last job gives me anxiety because I think some of the people there couldn't figure it out, I wouldn't ask for help but people would offer it without me asking anyway but then all they got in return was a thank you. Btw, TT also says thank you a lot, lol, I'm telling you she and I were similar in small ways.

Oh.. I wanted to come and write yesterday about some stuff I saw online but I guess I'll have to save it for another time. I figured out a bit more what had been bothering me as far as my health was concerned. It is a bit of girl talk as a disclaimer but I was supposed to have my monthly cycle on the 1st or 2nd of this month but it didn't come, it was actually really late because it has only started today...I figured that because the weeks before I was having some type of stomach problem and stopped eating as much that that sent my body into some type of shock, then my cycle wanted to start on it's regular schedule but couldn't because I hadn't eaten much during the weeks before so everything was all out of balance, anyway... I'm hoping that all of this straightens out and I can get back to normal. Right now I'm just waiting on my next dentist appointment... today I saw another documentary about mercury and it freaked me out... but I don't need to keep getting freaked out like that, I don't believe that this is my only problem, I think I'm exposed to many different things from the environment and I just need to figure out how to balance out my entire body and mind.


So since I won't be having my dentist appointment this week it kind of puts all of my plans out of wack, it's not likely that I'll be doing anything tomorrow besides applying for jobs and watching movies. I've been craving social interactions though.. so I need to figure out a better plan then what I'm doing right now.


Well.. I'll be thinking of something.




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