Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-09-01 05:39:05 (UTC)

We Were Supposed To Be A Team

I'm done. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sick and tired of living the way we've been living the past few months. I don't know what it's going to take for us to get back on our feet, but it needs to happen already. I really thought the start of this month was going to be it. We'd finally get caught back up, back in the green. On the straight and narrow. Nope. Not a chance. How about being WORSE off than ever?! Looks like that's how things are gonna go this month.

I went into our account to transfer over the rent money... but it wasn't there. We should have had at least $3,000 in there. Not counting my paycheck or (hopefully) Jason's check that goes in tomorrow... nope. There was less than $1,000 in there. Not enough to pay the rent, or the car note, or our phone bills, or the electric bill, or my credit card payment, or... you get the idea. WAY more needs to go out than is coming in, and it keeps happening like that. I can't make up the difference anymore. I've got nothing left to give, and I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being the only one trying to make ends meet that just won't meet. I'm tired of my life progressively taking more and more steps backwards. At this point in my life I'd expected so much more. The fact that the reason I'm here is entirely out of my control is even more frustrating. I've done everything right, and I'm being dragged down by this person I love, but can't seem to bring with me. We were supposed to be a team.

The reason the money is absent from our account is because there's some kind of issue with Jason's VA benefits. I think what upsets me even more than the lack of money is that he knew the money wasn't going to be there, but waited for me to log into our account to notice it. Yet another breakdown in communication. He KNEW there was a problem and said not one fucking word! WHY?! Who does something like that to the person they're supposed to love? I feel like I have to yell, scream, BEG for him to tell me even the most important things. I'm over it. What tenuous reconciliation we had going is crumbling. I don't want to live without him, but god. I fantasize about how much easier life would be if I wasn't being dragged down by this anchor. I definitely understand now why people stick around for the kids' sake. If we didn't have kids together, I'd walk away. Heartbroken, but free from this constant bullshit. He isn't good for me. No matter how much he may love me. Or how much I may love him. We aren't even remotely on the same wavelength.

I found out all of this as I was leaving work. So, as I was driving home, I kept mulling over in my head all the things I wanted to say to him. I barely noticed the stupid looking jacked up wannabe sports car merging onto the highway. I guess he felt he should have been allowed in front of me, but it didn't work out that way. He decided in retaliation he was going to turn on his high beams. So what did I do? I slammed on my breaks (forcing him to slam on his breaks) 60 to 25 in 3 seconds flat and I crawled all the way to where he needed to turn off. He pulled up next to me and just looked at me... I smiled pretty and gave him the middle finger. Fuck people who act like the world revolves around them. I seriously think I could have gotten out and beaten his ass. As hard as I try to be a good person, I'm 100% certain I'm capable of murder.

And people keep testing me.




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