Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-07-28 07:22:32 (UTC)

To Be Understood

Out of curiosity, I clicked on the most popular diaries link... and found my diary! Crazy... one of the things I love about this site, is how intimate it feels. Like, I'm sending my thoughts/feelings/experiences out into the ether. I know it's public, and that some people read it. Occasionally I'll receive messages. I guess I'm just always surprised anyone bothers reading. So, to the people out there that identify with the issues I struggle with, know that you are not alone. I hope seeing someone else go through similar circumstances helps you feel less isolated and more understood. I believe that in a nutshell, is what we all long for - to be understood.

It was a better day. I went to sleep alone last night (the husband stayed in the living room because that's just what he does when I'm mad at him), and fell asleep fairly easily. What sleep I got was good, but not enough. I opened this morning, so I had to pep talk myself into getting out of bed, and putting on a brave face. Seems like so much of life is putting on one face or another...

I got off early. Lately I've been working full 8 hour shifts, which haven't been bad at all. I'm in a good place with my job and how I feel about it. Probably because I kept looking at the time, and probably because it was so dang slow, but it felt like the 5 hours I worked took longer to go by than the usual 8. Being tired exacerbated that sensation. So, finally being done was liberating. Literally.

Tomorrow we're planning n taking the kids to the beach, so I stopped in Forever 21 to see if they had any cute sundresses for cheap. I tried on 6 different dresses, and all of them were too big. Explain to me how I still felt fat and didn't like the way I looked in the mirror, even though everything I tried on was either big or okay, but on the loose side? It makes no sense. As hard as I try to love my body, sometimes these self-deprecating feelings creep in. I know I'm somewhat on the heavier side, but I'm still beautiful. Even if society doesn't think so. I have to keep telling myself that all of those constructs don't matter. Everyone is beautiful, and special, and worthy of their own love if no one else's. I settled on a basic black baby doll style dress. It was only $12.90. It'll be nice for work, too.

I got home a little after 3pm and felt so unbelievably exhausted. It was a hot day, and walking into our bedroom it was so cool and calm. I took my shoes off and laid down, in bed... and woke up 3 and a half hours later. I didn't have anything planned for the rest of the day, anyway.

I felt compelled to leave when I woke up. I just didn't want to be at home, to face the anger and resentment I was (and kind of still am) feeling towards my husband. I can't keep dwelling on it. So, I went to Central Market and wandered. It's got so much more to offer than just food, but that's mostly what I bought. Tofu pho ingredients, bath salts, and a little keychain pouch made out of hemp (to replace an old worn out keychain pouch I've had for years. I keep my gym key card in it). I also bought a card, so I could write out my feelings to Jason. For whatever reason, I can pour my heart out on paper, but not in person or in text. Pen and paper. He seems to be more receptive to what I write, too. He shuts down if I yell or get upset. He can't handle it when I cry. So, writing is best.

I parked at Salsbury Point Park to take in the sunset and write out my thoughts. It was beautiful. I missed the most fiery part of the sunset, but there was still a beautiful orange/red glow in the sky and the water was so blue. You can see Hood Canal Bridge in it's entirely there. It was gorgeous. I don't know why I don't go there often. There's just not much to it, but it would a great place close to home to take the kids swimming and to play in the sand. There's a little playground, too.

That's all for tonight.




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