Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-07-27 06:12:28 (UTC)

I've Changed... He Hasn't

I can sum up all the problems in my marriage in one sentence, four little words: I've changed... he hasn't. In the 14 years we've been together, I'd done some major evolving. I've learned new things, become more responsible. I think deeper, outside the box, beyond what meets the eye. I'm not saying I'm a genius with a universe of knowledge in my mind, but I will say I'm much more insightful and curious than I was at 19, 20, 21 years old. He hasn't changed a bit... and that isn't a compliment. You'd expect someone to see the world a little differently at 40 than they did in their 20's. And yet he doesn't. Oftentimes I wonder if he thinks about anything at all. His standard answer when I ask is always "nothing". What if he really has been thinking of "nothing" all these years?

If you couldn't tell, we're at it again. This time I saw it coming. I knew he was about to revert to old behaviors (lying by omission), but I hadn't seen the full-blown lie coming. He still isn't working. Earlier last week he told me he had a "meeting" set up with his old manager at Trader Joe's to talk about getting his job back. Well, Thursday came and went with no comment from him about how this "meeting" went. So, even though I knew I was bringing up a sore subject, I did it anyway (because I've been waiting for him to say something since Thursday, and he hadn't). I expected him to tell me it didn't go well, and he didn't get his job back. Obviously. He's still sitting at home every day. I expected him to admit he didn't tell me because he didn't want me getting upset. What I didn't see coming is the fact that there was NEVER a meeting set up. He flat out lied about it just to get me off his back. Not only was there no "meeting", he didn't even bother calling his boss about getting his job back. He made zero attempts at mending that fence. Why he finally came out with the truth is beyond me, but I'm sure it's no surprise that I'm livid.

He told me this while we were at the park, watching the kids play in Hood Canal (it was a beautiful day, we took the kids to Belfair State Park after I got off work). I couldn't blow up about it, because I won't do that in front of the kids, and quite frankly it isn't healthy for me. As much as silence eats away at his soul, it's soothing for mine. Yelling and screaming makes me so anxious and rattled. Being quiet keeps my stress levels low. As low as they can be with an immature buffoon for a husband. It's getting to the point where knowing he loves me just isn't enough. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't lie to me practically daily and refuse to keep a job. It feels like this is never going to end... unless I finally decide to walk away. That just seems like such a major step to take. Especially since I do love his dumb ass. It's an idea I'm not ready to entertain. Even though I told him I'm thinking about it. Oh, I am... but that doesn't mean I'm ready to take that step.




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