Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-07-26 07:18:32 (UTC)

Sleeping With The Enemy

Last night/early this morning had to have been one of the most epically bad night's of sleep I've attempted in a very long time. Snookums didn't sleep well, either. I don't know if he was awake for his own reasons, or if he was feeding off my nervous energy (nervous about what, I have no idea, but I indeed was very agitated). I'm still having a hard time reconciling my feelings toward him. Of course there is and will always be an incredible amount of love. But I'm still very upset by his actions, and I can't come to terms with letting go while still making him realize how upset I am. I can't be nice without tempering it with "but I'm still mad at you". It's petty as fuck, but it's how I'm feeling.

Because of the residual anger/sadness/indignation/disbelief/insert every other applicable emotion, we haven't had much of an intimate/physical relationship lately. It had been at least 3 weeks. Yet another example of me wanting to show him affection, but not wanting him to misconstrue my affection as approval. It's not. It never will be. I will NEVER approve of what he's done. Ever. I hope I've made that abundantly clear to him. So, anyway... we had sex. He instigated it. I'd expressed how physically I yearn for him, but mentally I can't wrap my head around being intimate with someone I'm so upset with. I guess I'm no good at sleeping with the enemy. Not that he's really my enemy... anyhow, around 3am this morning he said something along the lines of "let me remind you of one of the things you love about me". We'd been cuddling. Also something we haven't done much of lately. I wasn't feeling particularly aroused in that moment, but I have off and on over the past week. I suppose the closeness and me allowing there to be an semblance of affection, turned him on. He turned me onto my back, and ever so gently slipped off my panties. I allowed it. Even though we've had sex thousands of times over our 14 years together, this felt different... very, very different. Physically I felt very stimulated/aroused, mentally I struggled with allowing myself to enjoy it. It reminded me of how I felt when my stepfather would rape me. Physiologically, my body enjoyed it (whether I wanted it to or not), but I wouldn't allow my mind to. Not that the rape comparison is the same. I consented, but the mind/body disconnect is on some level related.

Usually sex puts me to sleep, but perhaps because it was more of a physical release than a relaxing, mental escape, it didn't. I stayed up past 6am, watched the sun come up, and debated with myself if I should attempt to fall asleep or give up and just start the day, accepting I'd be bitchy and super exhausted. I gave sleep a chance. I ended up getting about 5 hours before waking up hungry to two kids looking forward to an adventure. I've done more on less sleep, so I dragged myself up and scrounged up a pretty fun outing!

We do some of the same hikes all the time. Or we hike in essentially the same geographical locations. I went a little out of our comfort zone today and searched my Trailblazer app for hikes south of us (as opposed to north, like we always do). Since we live on a peninsula anything east or west is a local state or city park. We've been to all the ones with hiking trails. Kitsap County is sandwiched between Hood Canal and Puget Sound, so I had to focus more on Hood Canal, since it's the area we don't hike as often... and I found a little gem.

Twanoh State Park is what I kept coming back to. A small park right on Hood Canal, between Belfair and Union, WA. Less than an hour away from home. The trail itself wasn't the most impressive. It was very pretty at first, hugging right up to Twanoh Creek, but once we reached the top of the 400ft elevation, the beautiful trail gave way to drab access road. Kind of anticlimactic. I got a peekaboo view of Hood Canal, but there was no real flora or fauna worth taking pictures of, and that's what I like in a hike. It was also short. Only 2.3 miles round trip (it's a loop trail). I know the app said that, but I was hoping we'd find some off-shooting unmarked trails to explore (they aren't official trails, but well used and usually pretty cool), but alas, we saw none. The saving grace for this park was it's history. It was originally built in the 30's and the architecture of the outbuildings, bathrooms, covered outdoor kitchens, and signage was all maintained to that era. It reminded me of old movies I've seen set in that era. If it wasn't for the fact I'd have been segregated and kept from enjoying a state park, I'd love to go back in time and see it in it's hay day! I bet it was the place to be. It was still lovely. There's beach access, tennis courts, trails, and camping. Quite the destination location that isn't too far from home.

Almost as soon as I got back to civilization I got a text asking if we were out of the woods. Snookums had school and couldn't come with us, but I could tell he'd wanted to. So, to make him feel slightly less like he'd missed out, we went on a second park exploration mission (this time very close to home, Old Mill Park in Silverdale). I needed the steps, anyway. Old Mill Park is situated on land that used to house an old saw mill. It's right on the mouth of the Clear Creek river and Dyes Inlet on Puget Sound. It's a beautiful estuary with lots of bird life and a flourishing salmon population. They just finished (last week) renovations on Bucklin Hill to create a more salmon friendly roadway over Clear Creek. Prior to the renovation, the existing bridge had two huge drainage pipes salmon had to try to get through. Now the bridge crosses over the creek, causing no disturbance to water flow. It's pretty, too. They did a great job. From the street Old Mill looks like a little outlook and nothing more, but in actuality there's trails that link up to both the Clear Creek and downtown waterfront park trails. So you can officially walk from one end of Silverdale to another on beautiful wooded trails. Not too many cities can boast that!

I'm going to make every attempt at sleeping now. I work at 10am tomorrow. I can't be staying up until 7am. I'd die.




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