Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
A Sad Place To Dwell
It's like I'm living two lives. At work, things are going better than they have in a very long time. Not only have I not been hating work, I've actually been having fun! I'm enjoying helping customers. I have good relationships with my coworkers. I haven't been obsessing over numbers (and in turn they're improving). I've been working more the past week than I have since holiday, and it's been great. I don't know what changed (beyond my renewed focus of being more present), but it's a welcomed change. With everything going on in my private life, it's a relief that at least work is going well.
Again, I woke up to texts from Helena. 4 of them. Today it wasn't about the husband, but Annie and Keenan. Annie has one tooth that's slightly crooked. It's entirely cosmetic. No big deal. Annie isn't concerned about it. I'm not concerned about it. It would be really expensive getting it "fixed" (I use quotations, because she isn't broken. Nothing needs to be fixed), and it's just not something we've ever worried about. Helena seems to think it's a flaw and went into a diatribe about how she needs to get her teeth "fixed' before college and had the audacity to suggest I take her to Peninsula Community Health to get it done. First of all, Peninsula Community Health doesn't do dental work, let alone cosmetic dentistry. I told her about Annie's UTI debacle, and I'm struggling to understand why she would suggest I take Annie to a low income free clinic for dental work. We have insurance, which includes dental. No insurance covers cosmetic dentistry fully. Some not even partially. Yet, for some reason she thinks it's necessary to crown Annie's perfectly healthy tooth. I explained to her that no dentist would crown a healthy tooth. Why would they ground down and kill a tooth that has nothing wrong with it? It's a matter of finding the appropriate orthodontia. If she's interested in doing that.
Then she went in on Keenan. Asking if he needs braces because he has a space between his two front teeth. He's a baby! He has 6 adult teeth! There's no way to tell if he's going to need braces yet. She barely asked about Kiki, which was fine since there's nothing she considers "wrong" with Kiki... I understand that she's coming from a place of concern, but I can't help but feel like her concern is masking her desire to be meddling, controlling and critical of my parenting abilities. My kids are well cared for. We aren't rich. They understand that, and I want them to be okay with themselves just as they are. If there was a medical need for corrective measures, I'd move mountains to make it happen. It's more important to me to teach them to love and appreciate themselves as they are. There is nothing wrong with the way nature made them. I don't want to make them think every little thing about them is cause for alteration. It's troubling to me.
I had a conversation with Jason about it tonight. Both my concern with Helena's constant insertion into our affairs, and her seeming inherent need to undermine me. She's not my mother, and even if she was, I'm an adult and she has no right to tell me how to live or what to do. If I don't want to modify my kids' appearances, I don't have to. That's my right. They can alter themselves as adults if they so choose. I'm sick of explaining my life to her. I'm sick of being contradicted, undermined, talked down to, argued with, chastised, and patronized. I'm SICK of it! Every day I'm reminded why I didn't care that she stopped talking to us for all those years. Part of me feels bad for feeling like this. I want to believe she isn't coming from a malicious place. I can't honestly believe she's doing this on purpose... but that doesn't change how I feel. I'm over it. I want it to stop. I find that she backs down when I push back, but why should I have to? Just stay out of what doesn't concern you. How hard is that? Apparently very.
We also talked about his issues with finding and keeping jobs. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, but I still find myself in shock by all that's happened. Why does he keep doing this? How are we ever going to recover? I don't feel like we'll ever come out on top of this. We're always struggling, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. He's incapable of taking care of his family, and helping me build a future. If he is capable, he's done nothing to prove that to me. I'm on my own whether I choose to stay with him or not. There's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who makes you long to be alone. It's a sad place to dwell, and I've made a home there. Taken but alone, so really neither. Someone wake me from this nightmare.
Tomorrow I take Annie to Portland to see Twenty One Pilots. I'm not looking forward to it. So many people. Loud music. An unfamiliar place. I'm not excited. I want to enjoy my time with Annie and have fun, so I'm going to try very hard to do that. I want her to have the time of her life, and if she does, I will too.
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