Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Livid Beyond Measure
It was a rough start to the day. I can't remember the last time depression hit me as hard as it did this morning. I can't remember the last time it was so painfully difficult to get out of bed. To find the will and desire to move. I was hungry, but couldn't bring myself to eat. I needed to pee, but it could wait. Keenan came in to say good morning, and that was enough to get me up to make a smoothie... but I came right back to bed. I stayed there until Snookums came home. He had to go buy his books for Summer quarter.
It was the promise of a day in nature and dinner at Emmy's Vege House that finally got me up and moving at 1pm. Snookums chose Fort Ward on Bainbridge. Out of all the parks on Bainbridge, it's kind of low on my favorites list. Mostly because there just isn't much of it. No playground, either. So, the kids aren't crazy about it. The one thing it's got going for it is a beautiful coastline and a picturesque view of the Bremerton-Seattle ferry passing by every half hour. We walked to one end of the park and back, explored the beach (until Kiki slipped and cut her hand up pretty good on some barnacles). It wasn't a monumental hike, but it was still a day in the sun, enjoying nature.
We had an early dinner at Emmy's. The kids are thankful they have Gardein chickenless fingers, Snookums loves all the faux meats, and I adore their fresh tofu. It's so creamy, and I don't know what they marinate it in, but it's addictive. It's funny to think a few years ago the taste and texture of tofu would make me gag (avocadoes too). Now I love it! Emmy's is an open air restaurant (really more of a hut on the corner with a covered sitting area). We like to sit at the bar and people watch the intersection of Madison and Winslow Way. I could do it for hours, but the kids get restless.
I needed more steps, and the kids wanted to play, so we headed to Battle Point. I've accepted that it's our favorite park, and we'll forever go there all the time. Even when the kids are too old to enjoy the playground, we'll still go to walk the path. Anyway, a relaxed family day took an unexpected serious turn while Snookums and I walked the 1.75 mile loop... it started with me telling him about the text conversations I've been having with Helena. Then I got into how she called me an enabler and basically insinuated that I allow him to quit jobs on a whim and I don't expect him to work... total bullshit, but I can't say that to her. I'm forced to take it. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I am NOT an enabler in this situation (if anything, they are for always sending him money). I'm livid beyond measure, and I make it known all the time, but I really made it known today.
I said something to him I've never said in the 14 years we've been together... I flat out told him if he EVER does something like this again (quit his job without telling me for a crap job that doesn't pan out - which he's done now 3 times in the past 4 years), I'm divorcing him. I looked him straight in the eye and I told him unequivocally that I'm done. I can do bad on my own, I don't need him for that. I love him, but I'm sick of him putting his whims ahead of his family and the needs of the children... and me! I deserve some consideration. I'd never quit my job without him to sell Mary Kay or something. Which is the equivalent of what he's done. Again. I can't keep going through this with him. We will dig out of this mess together one more time. And that's it. So based on his track record, I should be filing for divorce in 8-10 months. Maybe a year if he actually tries a little harder to stick it out with whatever job he finds next. He says his manager at Trader Joe's said he can have his job back, but if that were truly the case, he'd have it back by now. In my experience, the people businesses really want, always get worked into the schedule. They aren't given the run-around (call at 8am tomorrow, wait until Wednesday, call back then, etc.) I think his manager was being polite when he said it, and wasn't expecting Jason to actually come back.
I felt better getting it all out. Usually I feel guilty about saying mean things to him, because I do perceive him as a lovable idiot... but there was no remorse today. I meant everything I said, and I hope he took it all to heart. I love him second only to the children. He is as much a part of me as they are. I don't want to leave him, but I deserve more than what he's been putting me through the past 4 years. I want and need stability, and if that means I have to make it on my own, at least I can count on myself.
As soon as we got home, I ran myself a hot bath. Meaning everything I said doesn't mean it still wasn't a little stressful dredging up all the feelings I try so hard to keep suppressed. I don't want to yell or get "passionate" around the kids. They don't need to worry about this. I found a new favorite LUSH bath bomb (Twilight, lavender oil and Tonka bean extract. It smells delicious), lit some incense, turned on my music, and just soaked. I feel much better for it. I guess he's out at his desk applying for jobs. That's what he said he was doing last I talked to him. He brought me a cup of tea, filled my water bottle and is being very nice to me. I told him he didn't need to suck up because he fucked up. I just need him to get back on track - and STAY on track. He nodded in agreement...
I truly hope he heard everything I said...
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