Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-07-08 06:45:48 (UTC)

He Only Hears Me When I Scream

In this moment, I'm proud of myself for taking a day that started out on a not-so-great note, and turning it around. Instead of letting the anger and negativity erode my soul (as usual). I feel happy, calm, comfortable, and peaceful. It's lovely.

The reason my day started with anger and negativity was (once again) because of Snookums and his job issues. He told me yesterday that he was told to call the hiring manager at Trader Joe's today at 8am. He did. He got up, took his phone and left the room. He came back exactly 3 minutes later, climbed back in bed... and said nothing. He didn't tell me how the call went or give me any insight into whether or not he's going back to work at Trader Joe's. In my mind, it was just another instance of him lying by omission. If it isn't good, he doesn't want to tell me for fear of "getting in trouble". I don't know how many times I have to tell him I'm less lightly to get angry if he's open and upfront with me right from the beginning. I shouldn't have to ask, and I shouldn't have to hear things from other people. After 15 minutes of silence, I finally asked him how the call went, since he obviously wasn't volunteering any information. Basically, I got some story about the hiring manager being in the middle of writing reviews and would get back to him next week sometime. Sounds like the run around. Or they don't want to take him back. Can you blame them? They hired him because he said he was planning on sticking around long term, and he up and quits 9 months after starting. Doesn't make him look very dependable.

That wasn't what set me off, though. It was a factor, but the real reason I lost my cool was because of his current job. I Googled the company when he first started, and noticed they have really, REALLY shitty reviews. Both Google and Yelp. Maybe it's the millennial in me, but I put a significant amount of weight into online reviews. I want to hear the bad stuff, and there is plenty to read about this company. Since he's worked for them over a month now and still hasn't been paid (no, I'm not fucking kidding. Almost 6 weeks with not one penny, actually he's given them money. He had to pay for his uniform!) I figured I'd do some research into what former and current employees have to say about them.

Glassdoor.com offers reviews, salary info, etc. So, I went there... even worse than the Google reviews. That's where I found out there's a strong chance he won't be getting a red cent from them. The first two weeks are unpaid "training", then from then on it's commission only, and from what I know Snookums hasn't sold a damn thing. Also, they do door to door sales (what the fuck, is it 1987?) which isn't even legal without a permit in a lot of the cities they drag him to. It's soliciting, and they don't have a permit for that. It's a glorified MLM (multilevel marketing) scheme, and Snookums is at the bottom of the food chain.

I. Lost. My. Shit.

How could he not know this going into it? How is he SO fucking gullible that he didn't see it for what it is the first day he sat in on one of their 11am "marketing meetings"? How come I did 5 minutes of online research and know more about this shit show of a company than he does after working for them 6 weeks? I wasn't even mad at him so much as I was mad at myself for believing anything he said about it. I should know by now he's a gullible idealist who sees what he wants, not what is. I yelled. I screamed. I did all the things I tried not to do last time I was super upset with him. But turns out I get over it faster if I yell and scream. I was upset for a few hours, but I didn't go days without talking to him, and ultimately I think that's way less toxic.

He put in some applications, got his school schedule figured out for summer and fall, transferred his associates of technology credits over to his bachelor program, figured out his VA benefits. All in about 3 hours this morning. I'd say he only really hears me when I scream. All I ever want is for him to do his best and not set our family several steps back. He's got no money coming in. No contribution, and that's totally unacceptable. I'm satisfied with what he accomplished today, but it doesn't end there.

I reactivated the mindfulness bell app on my phone a couple days ago. It helped me cope today. I'm certain of it. It goes off at random intervals throughout the day, and when it does I try to take a moment to breath deeply, acknowledge how I'm feeling, course correct if need be (like this morning), and think of one thing to be thankful for. I laid in bed for awhile this morning. Long enough for the bell to go off 3 times. And with each mindful moment, I felt a little less rage, until I was able to get up and get dressed.

Because of Keenan's dance class, we had to go to the Bremerton Farmer's Market earlier than we normally do. It ended up being a good thing today, because about 30 minutes after we got there the rain started. We bought some berries (blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, and Rainier cherries), the kids got balloon light sabers made by a sweet guy who I'm guessing is a clown for kids' birthday parties. Andy was his name. The kids have decided that balloon animals (or in this case, light sabers) will be their new Thursday tradition. I'm okay with that.

We went straight to ballet from the market. Keenan looked like he was having such a great time in class. It made me smile so big, and feel so warm inside to see him loving ballet so much. I loved ballet as a kid, and I'm glad one of my kids feels the same way about it. Even if it's my son. Actually, I'm so proud of him for being confident enough in himself to feel good about doing ballet. He has the frame for it, the natural good posture, the conservative nature. He's a natural.

Because of the rain, I went to the gym to get the rest of my steps in for the day. I don't spend much time in the gym during the summer months (because I'd rather get my exercise outside), but it felt awesome getting in a good sweat session, and I'm so pleased by how much strength and stamina I've developed since joining back in late January. I did an hour of cardio (high incline on the treadmill, and the elliptical) like it was nothing. No major aches or pains. Just a good workout. I also did some arm exercises, because my legs get so much work, but not really my arms. I'd love to get them a little more toned. Maybe I'll get some weights to use at home (or maybe I'll just go to the gym more often, since I'm paying for it!), or a kettlebell. I used to have one, but I have no idea where it went.

Wow, tonight's entry is long. I contribute it to the extra oxygen flow to my brain from my workout :) Whatever the cause, it feels good getting everything out so freely. I know lately I've been having a tough time expressing myself in a meaningful way. My entries feel monotonous and robotic, like I'm just stiffly recapping the day, sharing little feeling or insight. I want more than that, and I tapped into it tonight. More to come! I plan on digging deeper everyday, not just today... but probably not this long!




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