My Letter To The World
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2016-06-30 05:49:32 (UTC)

Today and Blunt Honesty

Mood: Anxious
Song: Sail by Awolnation
Color: Light Green

Today does not feel like a Wednesday at all...ha
So I went to town with my mom to run errands with her and then we had lunch with B.
And I ended up hanging out with B for the rest of the day which was nice, saw Hayden, Gabe, Izzy and Blo.
which I don't know how I feel about that.
Went to church at Tammy's. which was great I think we had really good discussion I think maybe I might try going out there on Wednesday's we'll see.
We picked up Amber and they drove me home and we hung out at the park here for a while.

it's not much written down but it was a good day none the less.
Tammy invited me to their fourth of July thing Sunday and that sounds like a lot of fun but weirdly enough I kinda don't want to miss going to church here and missing going forward for my birthday...but then again maybe it's best that I do miss that.
It's not like i'm going to have a Sunday school class anyway.
But I don't want to miss it if my family are actually doing something special.
I suppose i'll talk to them tomorrow.

BLo asked about the Lock in today and I didn't answer him...
because it's not as simple as... how did he put it? "you canceled it because of one person"
yeah right.
it's a collective thing. it's not just one person.
it's disagreeing with the behavior of several people and it's wanting to do the right thing by not saying that that behavior is okay.
It's wanting to please my parents and not wanting to put them in a compromising position(no I was the only one in that position)
But how do you tell someone that how they are acting or living isn't okay with out sounding like a total judgemental jerk?
How do you say you don't feel comfortable inviting that to your home?
how do you say that your scared of someone stealing something again.
How do you just be blunt and honest without ruining everything?
how do you stay friends after that?
how do they ever trust you again? how do you ever trust them again?

How do you choose between right and wrong?
How do you choose between your friends and your family?
How do you draw lines on what you thing is morally right when your friends disagree?
I don't know.
This lock in....
How it was canceled and the reasons I gave for it not being completely honest about it...
I kinda wish it would never be brought up again...but I think it's going to be one of those things that follow me.
and you know what? it cancels out the future events because the people that there are issues with...well they aren't going to change there way's because they don't think they are doing anything wrong and I can't just say to them yeah you can be around and you can't I can't choose between people.
which I think is right but the whole situation sucks and in the end it was lose lose but only for me.
I was stuck in the middle like I always am.
But this wasn't an easy thing and I don't think anyone on either side even realizes how difficult it was/is for me.
Doing what's right is hard and it's still hard now.
like to them it might be over...but nothings changed.

I'm tired.
I just want everything to be okay for once is that to much to ask?
I want to have fun and have a good time.
I want to play volleyball and hang out.
I want to have a costume party.
I want to fit in and not have to think about it...
but that's not going to happen.