Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-06-03 06:38:07 (UTC)

Every Suicidal Scenario Imaginable

It was a lovely day, and I'm pleasantly tired. I hope that means another great night of sleep. I slept very well last night, and it would be fantastic to repeating that. Since sleeping well is something that so often eludes me.

I had a beautiful dream. One I'm so thankful my brain allowed me to remember. It felt like it was set in both the future and the past. The only people I vividly remember being in the dream were Corey and I. His girlfriend wasn't there. Jason wasn't. Our children were all grown (including his youngest, Trystan who is only 4 years old). Which is why I feel it took place in the future. But then, the surroundings were old. Like, well before our time old. The cars and towns all harkened back to the 70's. Who knows, dreams are weird like that.

I don't remember every single detail, but I remember the feelings I felt. I was on a journey to him. I left the city I was living in and drove to a tiny town on the edge of the Earth. Corey lived in a tiny cabin on a spectacular precipice. A very high, rocky cliff, overlooking the ocean. It was absolutely breathtaking. He was so far from everything, I had to walk down a mile long trail from the road just to reach his little cabin. I stayed there a week. I went through one of my depressive episodes. I stayed up all night. I slept half the day. I cried. I didn't eat. I contemplated every suicidal scenario imaginable. I acted on none of them. I read books, and listened to music. And he took care of me. We cuddle, but there was no sex. Or even sexual contact. Just a pure, nurturing love.

I can't say for sure if the issues I'm having with Jason had anything to do with this dream, but it's possible. As much as I love Jason, I do love Corey too. Differently. And there is a great distance between us. Also, we're both in committed relationships (with individuals not okay with polyamorous ideals). So, we love each other from a distance. It's not a popular way to love (polyamory), but I've known for a very long time that it's what I am. I accept it. Corey accepts it. I guess that's all that matters. I can't say why for sure, but over the course of the past few years I've always felt like some time in the far distant future Corey and I will be together. Probably after Jason dies. Because with the way he's living, it's likely I'll outlive him (that and I'm a woman and women tend to live longer than men... and I'm 6 years younger than him). I'm not planning for my husband's demise, but I know it's inevitable.

So back to reality. I woke up feeling safe and loved, and peaceful. Always a good start. I got dressed and headed to downtown Poulsbo to hang out. I couldn't wander too far, because I had to pick Annie up from choir practice after school, and today is farmer's market day in Bremerton. I checked out the little shops (something I haven't done in years. I guess dad inspired me), and had a cup of coffee somewhere other than Starbucks (I'm attempting to branch out). I found a cute little card at Liberty Books to write Jason a note in (it had cows on it and said "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to love you long after the cows come home", or something along those lines. It was cute). I sat in Hot Shots Java (the not Starbucks coffee shop) and contemplated what I wanted to say to him...

Too many things to fit on a card came to mind, but nobody in downtown Poulsbo sells stationary. Can you believe that? Writing is a lost art. What I ended up saying was that I love him very much, but I'm still upset about his egregious lack of communication. I'm tired of him making the same poor choices over and over (they're beyond mistakes at this point), and I'm skeptical of how well this new job is going to mesh with his priorities (school, family time, does he have medical or any other benefits?) I'm not ready to talk to him yet, because I still feel like screaming... or crying... but I wanted him to know I love him. Even if I'm fuming mad at the moment. I'll get over it eventually. Or I'll get over him. It's still too soon to tell.

The kids and I did our customary Thursday evening outing to the Bremerton Farmer's Market. This week I got 6 pints of strawberries, 2lbs of asparagus, and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. There still isn't a ton of produce yet, but it's getting better every week. The kids and I also go treats from Laughing Dog Kitchens. Gluten free/vegan lemon poppy seed muffins, triple chocolate muffins, and snickerdoodles. The owner of the company and I have a link in common (we went to the same therapist), but I never bring myself to tell her that, because it's kind of weird to mention "hey, we see the same shrink". So, I don't. I buy something from her every week, because I want her to be successful.

It's after midnight and Jason just got home. He was in Mountlake Terrace today. I only know that because he told Annie. I don't know what makes him think this is a good idea. He complained about his hours at Trader Joe's. Now he works longer hours and has a shit commute. This is all so stupid. What a nightmare. I'm gonna get high and eat some bananas. Which is what I did before going to bed last night... hopefully I'll have another wonderful dream like last night!




Ad: