Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-06-02 07:10:28 (UTC)

So Fucking Inconsiderate

I had a hard time eating today. I tried drinking two smoothies, a liter of watermelon juice, I made sautéed veggies for dinner... I picked at everything. The only thing I finished was a venti soy latte. I guess that's something. It goes without saying, I'm a little upset about what's going on between Jason and I. I hate being upset with him. I hate giving him the cold shoulder. But I hate even more that he doesn't seem the least bit concerned with the fact that I'm not really talking to him. Like, he's just waiting it out. Fuck that. I'm being stubborn. I'm not giving in. Whether it's right or wrong, I honestly don't care at the moment. I'm tired of him tip-toeing around me when it comes to open communications. I'm sick of him lying by omission. I'm sick of his idealistic yet unrealistic perceptions of life. I'm so over it, I actually entertained the idea of leaving today... I don't really want to, but I'm so unbelievably sick of all this.

I tried writing the letter I mentioned last night, but I just got pissed off trying. I'm still not ready to address any of it. I'll just keep stewing until I'm ready to handle it rationally. Hate is a strong word, I know, but I hate him right now. I hate him for not caring about anyone but himself. For being so fucking inconsiderate about me and the kids. Our finances. Our time together. Everything. He doesn't even care. Fuck him. Even writing about it is upsetting me more. I gotta stop.

Annie is going to Cheney this weekend to visit Eastern Washington University. She's thinking about living with Jason's mother and going to school there. Her scholarship should cover all of her expenses. Which is ideal, since we won't be in a position to help her all that much. It's really hard for me to accept the fact that financially we're worse off than we were 10 years ago, and it's entirely due to my husband's poor choices. It makes me sick. Anyway, she wanted to get a new bathing suit and needed some toiletries, so we went to Target.

I took the kids to Battle Point so I could get my steps in and so they could play. It was the highlight of my day. Annie walked with me, and we had a pretty good conversation (about a lot of things). I need to work on my expectations of her. She's smart, and a lot like me. But she is still an inexperienced kid. I need to remember that and be a little more understanding of the fact that she's not on my level yet. She will be. I think she'll exceed me... I hope so. She's capable of so much more than I've challenged myself to be.

I hate the way I feel right now. I keep thinking about walking away, and I really don't want to do that. I'm just so upset...




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