Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-06-01 07:24:23 (UTC)

The Written Word

It took every fiber of my being to get through work today, knowing I've got 3 whole days off ahead of me! I'm really looking forward to the time away from work. It hasn't been terrible lately, but I value my freedom more. I wish I could find a way to make money and maintain the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Don't we all?

I treated myself after work and got a spa pedicure. It's been awhile since I've had a professional pedicure. The build up of dead skin, calluses, old blisters and hang nails was getting to be too much for me. The excess skin on my feet was constantly sloughing off in my shoes. So yuck. I don't plan on getting into the habit of pedicures, but I needed to get my feet done to an acceptable state, so they're in a place where I can maintain them from now on. I didn't get any polish, because I know they're all tested on animals. They only had OPI. Not to mention with all the hiking I do, they'd just end up getting chipped in a short amount of time.

It felt so amazing having someone scrub and massage my feet and legs. Sure, I can maintain my own feet with a pumice stone and some lotion, but it's not the same as having someone else massage your feet. So good.

I'm currently not talking to Jason. Not because I'm being childish. I'm not talking to him because I'm deeply hurt and disappointed. I don't know how to talk to him in a way that would accurately convey my feelings. I know I'd just yell and be counterproductive. I'm thinking tomorrow I'll write him a letter so that I can explain myself more thoroughly. I'm better with the written word than the spoken ones.

I went into Trader Joe's to buy some fruit. Usually I go to Costco, but I wanted more of a variety and less in bulk (although I should always go to Costco for mangoes. They're about $3 cheaper for 6 mangoes. That's substantial). When I got to checkout, I chit chatted with Derek, one of Jason's coworkers that I've known since before he worked there. He asked me if Jason had gotten a new job and commented that he never sees Jason anymore. I told him what Jason told me, that he did have a new job and was starting next month. I don't know anything beyond that. At the end of the transaction Derek calls over a manager to give me Jason's discount. The manager Jason has mentioned several times that he doesn't like. Knowing my husband and how he can't hide his true feelings. He always wears all his emotions on his sleeve (unless I ask him what's wrong, then he clams up), I suspect this manager always knew how Jason felt, and now that he's quit, he didn't bother being nice to me. I suspect he felt great satisfaction in telling me, Derek, and every person in earshot that I didn't get a discount because Jason quit. I basically looked like I lied and was trying to sneak a discount I wasn't eligible for. I could feel the tears coming, but I held it together. I had no idea Jason had worked his last day. He made no mention of it. I have no idea when he starts his new job. I have no idea what it entails. All I know it, I got completely humiliated in a very public forum all because my husband doesn't tell me things. He lies by omission on a regular basis, and no matter how hard he attempts to hide things from me, I always find out, and it's almost always in some kind of humiliating way. I'm fucking sick of it. Why can't he communicate with me openly? Why won't he tell me things that DIRECTLY affect me and the children? Why can't he keep a job for any length of time? I have a lot of questions. Too fucking bad my husband can't (or won't) answer them. I'm so over it. This is why I'm not talking to Jason. I can't be civil right now.

The highlight of my day was cutting up and blending an entire watermelon into 3 liters of sweet watermelon juice. I'm going to drink it and use if for smoothies. I'm excited about it. I also cut up pineapple, but I have two more watermelons to eat as well. Maybe tomorrow I'll cut a second one up. I got more Boreal blueberries, Cara Cara oranges, bananas, and strawberries. I feel better now that I have more fruit in the house. I was down to two mangoes and 3 bananas. Not counting the frozen fruit in the freezer. I like having both on hand at all times. Lots of it.

Jason said he had some kind of training today, for the new job I assume. The training ended at 5pm and he texted he was on his way home. It took him 2.5 hours to get here. I hope that isn't an indication of what this new job is going to entail. Him never being here. Lots of gas money. Lots of vehicle maintenance. Not a whole lot more money. More shit to worry about. I'm so fucking livid with him. He never thinks anything through. He lives in some fairy tale, idealistic lala land. One that never actually becomes a reality. One that always results in me trying to fix the monumental fuck ups he invites into our lives. Just when things start to feel stable, he does this. Three jobs in two years. Four jobs in three years. His work ethic is essentially nonexistent.

After I was done prepping my fruit and getting the kitchen cleaned up, I just walked out. I didn't tell him I was leaving or where I was going. The only thing I regret about that is not being here when the kids went to bed, but I was just so mad, I needed to get out. I took myself down to the Poulsbo waterfront and walked the little trail. I went out onto the docks and had some quiet time to think. It helped. Then I stopped at Central Market. I'm still mad. I'm not sure how I'm going to get over this, but I will.




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