Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-05-24 05:38:21 (UTC)

I Don't Feel Like A Stereotype

It was an ordinary day, and I don't really feel like talking about it. Instead, I need to talk about this evening. The first time in a very long time I yelled at the kids.

Part of it was due to being tired. I had to get up at 6:30am for work, and it's no secret I struggle with getting to sleep at night. As tired as I've been all day, it's almost 11pm and I'm not asleep. Hopefully soon, because something's got to give... and I open again tomorrow, so I'll have to be up at 7am. No big deal if you don't struggle with sleep.

The second factor could be hormones. I'm coming close to period time, and it makes me much more emotional. Whether I like it or now. I hate using hormones as an "excuse", but the fact of the matter is, it's not an excuse. It's genuinely something I deal with. Millions of women do. I don't feel like a stereotype, or that I'm taking advantage of a convenient excuse. It's my reality.

This evening after dinner, I was sitting in the sitting room listening to Keenan in his bedroom having yet another tantrum. It's infuriating, mostly because it's totally out of character for him. I don't know why it's been happening, because he never acted like this when he was a toddler. It screams of manipulation. Yet, I never know what he wants, and generally I can get him to stop. The fact is, it bothers me that this is becoming more and more prevalent. He'll be 8 next month. It's utter bullshit. Anyhow, after listening to him bumping and thumping in there for about half an hour, I go in to talk to him. Correction: I attempted to go in there to talk to him, but there was so much shit piled up behind the door that I couldn't get in. I had to force my way in. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Before dad arrived, we spend days getting the house completely cleaned and organized. We made a commitment as a family to keep it that way. Instead of Snookums and I doing all the work, the kids would keep up their end of the bargain. Annie is better about keeping her room clean, but Kiki and Keenan live in total filth. It wasn't even a solid week before their room was a mess again. I get so fucking angry when I see all their clothes, books, shoes, toys, blankets, pillows all over the floor. They are the messiest people I have ever encountered. I don't know why, because Snookum and I are so neat. What the hell happened?! So, tonight I try to go talk to my son, and I have to force my way past a barricade of shit. Which infuriates me even more.

I go off. There's no other way to put it. I didn't hit them, but I yelled and totally lost my shit. I don't feel bad about it. They needed to hear it. I worked damn hard so they can have the things they have, and neither of the care or appreciate it. I told them if it wasn't clean by the time I get home from work tomorrow, I'm getting garbage bags, and all they'll have are school uniforms, underwear, one pair of shoes, a pillow, and a blanket. Everything on the floor is getting donated or tossed. And none of it would be replaced. No more birthday or Christmas gifts. It's not a threat, it's a promise. They appreciate nothing we do for them.

I then came into my room and cried. Mostly from frustration, but of course Snookums was concerned, because I don't cry often. He's going to help them get their stuff back in order. And I'm going to try to get some sleep so tomorrow is a better day.




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