rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-05-18 20:22:24 (UTC)

Sold..for what

So I finally got my old car sold, the one I got into a crash in, I sold it for $350. The book value for the car was around $2,300 the last time I had checked, but that would of been if it was in good working order after the accident it had sort of become a lemon, some may even say it was a total loss, but I didn't have full coverage on it so I wasn't able to get a payment for it.


I kind of let this one go actually. I do think if I would of searched harder I could of found someone willing to pay more for it, but I didn't have the time or energy to do so, honestly I was just going to let it sit in the yard until I figured out what to do with it later down the line. The scary thought is that I could of died in that car especially if I hadn't been wearing a seatbelt or if another car had crashed into me from behind. I'm still here though.


I've actually been sick lately.. I think it's possibly related to something that I ate. I have to be careful with some of the natural and organic foods that I eat because although they don't give me headaches like some other foods do they still have the potential to carry bacteria and right now my immune system should be able to fight off any infection but I shouldn't rely solely on that. Working so much hasn't been helping either... in fact I got really scared this morning that I might die. I think that sounds dramatic but the way I feel sick is like I need to rest and take something, maybe visit a doctor to be tested for food poisoning.


I've been hearing a lot about people dying and it makes me nervous like I feel like I'm wasting the life I have by continuing to be so unhappy by not working at getting the things I do want in life.


Tonight when I went out to do the paperwork to see my old car I felt a little "normal" being around different people I didn't know and doing something, then later my dad had stopped by a fast food restaurant to pick up a meal for someone and as I sat in the car waiting for him to come back I saw a young couple inside the restaurant making out, they were just kissing, although there was a family with small children in the restaurant as well I don't think they saw them, and either way... that's how most children come about, through this display of affection which eventually leads to procreation.


I was even a little jealous at how normal it all seemed, it reminded me of TT and how she must of been as a young couple with the man she loved. The girl seemed to be the affectionate one while the guy remained seated the entire time.. I hope I don't sound like a creep for watching them make-out but they were literally sitting in a restaurant with huge open windows and lots of lighting, I think even people driving by on the street could of seen them, but they were right in front of me. I've never done anything like that before, it reminded me of how bad I want to get into a relationship with someone... I would say that type of affection and love is necessary for a healthy mind.


I can't help but to feel a bit anxious right now, although I'm here writing this I still feel a little off, like something's not right, I'm sure I'll be fine and I'm also sure that what's making it worst is the lack of sun and warm weather that we've lost over the last few days. we've had rain and cool days which always put a damper on my mood. If only I had someone to make-out with...

Death is so tragic... I think that's why we as humans like to focus on the good and positive things that happen after death instead of the negative.

Tomorrow is my sisters birthday by the way. I do plan on contacting her and wishing her a happy birthday. I wish she would listen to the advice I tried to give her years ago about improving her life. I don't think going into the military is the best option for her, I don't know why her friend Hosan hasn't helped her find a better path, of all her friends he seemed to be the one who cared about her genuinely as a person and not so much just because she is a giving person and a bit gullible. Today my dad told me that someone had stolen his old cellphone, it kind of made me upset because I feel like he shouldn't go to certain areas or be around certain people who are more likely to steal, I know that sound really bad, but I believe statistics can tell a story and if more people followed them they would be safer.


I'm going to get some sleep now, I need to have energy for tomorrow at work, plus I need to get the energy to clean the house, I didn't do it last Sunday because I was too tired... it looks like I may have to go and get some caffeine (I don't drink caffeine usually) to see if it will help pick me up. The reason I don't drink caffeine is because it's usually a hit or miss with it. First off I don't like the taste of coffee, and caffeine never really seems to do much for me except give me a headache and insomnia. But it never seems to give me energy to do a task... but sometimes it will give me a slight buzz to get through a hour or so.


goodnight <3





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