Snuffy

Danielito
2016-05-17 18:17:01 (UTC)

Things are hard

I was starting to feel like writing in this thing was doing more harm than good. I was getting into my own head too much. So I took a break but I don't want to get completely out of the habit of writing so here we go.

I went on another hike with Jamie on Sunday. It was fun. She and I have both been dumped and we're both frustrated with being in Moses Lake so it's been nice talking to her. She goes to counseling and shares what she's learning with me and I'm really enjoying that. So, yeah. We have good conversations about how much life sucks.

Colleen texted me a funny X-Files meme late at night. My first reaction was "BAAAHHHH What are you doing???" You know, coz I'm trying to forget about her and convince myself she doesn't care about me, but then she sends me a text - something that clearly reminded her of me and she couldn't help herself. I didn't respond until the next morning. I wanted to write "I miss you. I miss us." But of course, I was smarter than that - or too chicken - so I just sent a generic response like, "I saw this first thing this morning :D Mulder's defeated look haha!"
Then there was no response, back to radio silence. I don't think she's trying to mess with me but she's messing with me.
I learned something at Eric's yesterday about disturbances. He said the number one thing that brings people grief in life is disturbances in their flow. Disruptions. When we're happy, everything is going to plan, we are doing the things we want to do, we like the direction our life is headed, etc. Then things get in our way like financial burdens, illness, relationship stress, work stress, loss of a loved one, break ups, and so on. An easy example is driving to work but you hit traffic. Your drive to work has been disturbed so instead of having a pleasant or uneventful drive to work, it's now a stressful, aggravating experience.
Before I started talking to Colleen, my life was balancing out. I had found myself again. I had a new job that seemed promising, I was getting healthy, I was progressing in my addiction recovery, I was getting back into following NBA, and life was good. Then I met Colleen and life got even better. She was a good fit. A remarkably good fit. But when she ended it, I couldn't go back to that nice life I had before meeting her. Eric called her the disturbance. He assumed I had stopped doing the things I loved because I was spending time with her but that isn't true. I've kept up the way my life was, but I don't feel the same. The break up was the disruption. And the possibility of getting back together is a humongous disruption, one that I need to eliminate. But I'm not prepared to eliminate it without finding the right time to ask her to get back together with me. When is it going to be the right time? Soon.

My dad gave me a priesthood blessing on Sunday and I cried during it. I can't even tell you what he said that got me. But it was something about having the emotional strength to keep going. That's exactly what I need. Things are not easy right now. But anyway, he hugged me afterward and said "I love you, son." I don't recall ever hearing my dad say that to me that way. It was nice to hear and I'll probably always remember it. It'll be the thing I remember when he passes. He also said I was a good example. That most people hide their problems away and live in denial most of their lives but he's proud that I'm tackling things head on and that I'm not afraid to ask for help. That's a huge compliment. I wouldn't say I'm not afraid to ask for help but I'm not so afraid that I won't ask for help. Truth is, it took me a really long time to admit I needed help. Things have to get really bad before people admit they have a problem, then even worse before they get help, and rock bottom before they make changes. That's my story, too.
But anyway, I had a special moment with my dad.

Back to crappy stuff, Mary informed me that London knows Richard is her boyfriend and that Richard is going to be at her baptism.......
I told Mary I wish he wouldn't be there because it's going to be awkward for me on a special day. She just said it was a special day for her too and that's just how it's gonna be, basically.
Apparently she's known him for a couple of years. He was her client at her last job and he was married but now he's divorced and they started dating. He's meeting with the missionaries and because they're sisters, not elders, Mary has to be there every time. So London has been going over there and stuff so that's how they met. The whole thing is disturbing and I tried to object and take some control over what London has to see and experience and at what speed it all happens for her but I'm realizing now that the Mary is going to do whatever the fuck she wants to. There's no reasoning with her because she's in her own fucking reality all the time. We can have a calm, adult conversation and she'll say things like "I agree" or "I know" but she just turns around and does whatever. Then I'll confront her about doing the opposite of what we agreed upon and she'll argue her way out of it with excuses and justifications. It's so annoying.
So now I'm going to have to force myself not to think about this guy sitting two rows from me at my daughter's baptism, not understanding why he needs to even be there. I asked Mary why he needed to go and her answer was vague, like "It's important." BUT WHY?
Anyway, it's stressful. It's disrupting my flow. Aaargh!




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