Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-05-14 08:17:57 (UTC)

My Unending Need

Internet is working! Being able to type on a full keyboard feels so nice, after tapping away at a tiny smartphone keyboard the past couple nights. Yet another example of being thankful for what you have when it's gone. Now fingers crossed when I'm done writing, the internet gods let me post it!

I'm proud of myself for making it out of the house early enough to go for a walk before work. I had another closing shift where I went in late (5:30pm). I definitely feel happier and more productive when I get a little exercise before going in. I also don't feel like the entire day is wasted on just work. Even though I consistently keep having bad sales days, mentally and emotionally, things are going well. I'm as happy as I can be.

I've come to a place of self-realization when it comes to my relationship with dad. As much as I don't want to think I'm avoiding him by staying in my room when I know he's out there... I am. I'm avoiding conversation. So often I feel very quiet and thoughtful. I don't feel like having in-depth discussions or intellectual conversations all the time. As much as I enjoy it, and do derive pleasure from it, it's also draining. It's not him demanding these interactions of me. It's me fearing that if I go out there, the situation will arise. I'll be forced into deep discussion, when I can't be bothered to even muster polite utterances. The reason I don't have this issue with Jason or the kids, is because they know I don't generally ever want to socialize, and won't expect it from me. I don't know if dad realizes my need for solitude and quiet. I don't know how he feels about it, or what he thinks of me because of it. I honestly don't care too much, but I also don't want him to think I don't love him, or that I don't want him here, because I do. I just need to find a way to let him know that if it seems I'm avoiding him, it's entirely me and my unending need for space and quiet.

That being said, we did have an in-depth conversation tonight. The more I share with him, the more I realize that we're very different people. Similar, but different. I know he doesn't agree with my perspective a lot of the time, but I commend him for mostly keeping that to himself. I get an eye roll now and then, but for the most part, he keeps quiet. I can't help but feel that he thinks less of me than he did before coming to stay. I'm not as awesome as he thought I was. Things change when you live together... Maybe I'm reading too much into this. There's really no debate when I compare parents. He's great, and my mother is not. I don't want anything to hurt our relationship. I don't think anything has, but it's a concern I have. Because worrying fixes everything, right?




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