rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-05-06 04:12:14 (UTC)

Tough mornings

Well if you can imagine I'm still having a tough time with her departure, at this point it's been nearly a week and she's fading into a distant memory, I'm sure she'd be happy about that but I've been struggling at work trying to find the motivation.


I can't explain the difference between having someone be somewhere physically vs. In thought. All I know is that her essance is gone, the thing that use to drive me, nothing is the same any more and every morning I wake up I feel hopeless. But like I've been saying what I'm experiencing right now is far greater than her, I have a tendency to "hold onto" people as a way for me to not have to focus on my own problems. Now that she's gone reality is starting to set in. I wish she would return, not even I fully understand why I get a lot of my energy from certin people, but she was one of those people who gave me energy, every morning I would see her I felt I could get through the day. When I think about it that way I realize that most people are likely the same except they have it through a spouse or family member, very rarely a stranger, but she was my motivation to keep going.


My job search has started and I've been consistant in my search, being at this current job site is not much of an option because when I'm there I mope, I just go in, get everything I need and do the work, but I've been having to find the motivation to want to continue and it has been difficult to the point that I don't think I should continue here. But naturally I'm having a hard time finding a new job, I know eventually I'll find one or move to another position or site within this company, my problem right now is being there and feeling like nothings right anymore.


I can't help but to wonder if I told people how I felt and what was going on how they would react. Even I'm aware of how strange it may all sound, mainly because she and I weren't even friends, I was simply trying to make that a reality. Most people don't seem to hold onto people the way I do, if they feel the feeling isn't mutual they move on, they don't have a hard time coping with the loss... but I am. Maybe it's because I'm worst off than most people and I have very weak family and social bonds with others. I also keep wondering if there could of been more to it, even when she was there I found it difficult to get close to her, but I know the right personality could have. There are some people I meet who are naturally good at being social and getting people to open up to them, I've always admired people like that, my problem with why I don't find it to come so naturally for me has everything to do with my childhood experiences and not trusting people.


I just keep trying to imagine myself as more normal and how this whole thing would of played out, I'm sure she and I would be really close today if that were the case.. It reminds me of another fruits basket quote, and by the way, I don't want to seem child-like to continue referencing that show but if you actually watch the show it's really good and deep at taking a look at social and emotional bonds with others. I think a lot of people would enjoy the series despite it being an Anime, I think the fact that it is an Anime people may not think it's not worth it or have the time to commit to it, I think had I watched it for the first time at this point in my life I would of had a difficult time relating to it, but because I watched it when I was younger I feel I can related to it even still today.


I'm not going to post the quote but rather give a summary of it's meaning. Basically one character was having a motivational speech to another character in training for social skills just as one may train for any other event, for example, a fighting competition. He explained that for some people it may come naturally (social skills) but for others they may have to simply work harder at improving. I often watch the dynamics of speech and can testify how valid that is, some people are just better at it than others. TT for example was not a very open person, nearly everyone else who interacted with me would say something outside of anything work related, they would even give me nicknames and joke with me, but she never did that, not once. I'm not saying she didn't do it because she didn't like me or anything like that, I don't think she did it with anyone except those she felt closes to. Even with other co-workers she wasn't outspoken or said what was on her mind, she would just giggle at everything like she didn't know what to say, or was holding back.


It's so disappointing that I never got a chance to learn more about her, just simply from being around her I could pick up on her personality traits. The thing about me wanting to know her so bad makes me wonder if that's somehow abnormal, I wanted to get to know her and I wanted to know everything about her whole life, like an autobiography, we grew up in the same city and we were fairly close in age, but far enough apart that I could look at her life and wonder if I would be experiencing the same things when I reached her age, I can't say it enough that she was the perfect person for me to have in my life, I can't say so much how it would of been for her but I know I would of taken so much from her.


I think even to an extent she realized how similar we were but never allowed herself to open up to me. I was reading an article the other day that was explaining the correlation between how people open up and feel most comfortable around people who are most like them. I've known this and was trying so hard to shape myself in her image, I know if she could have seen a little more of herself in me that she would of opened up more to me.


I don't know if I'll ever see her again, we grew up in the same city but I only met her when I first started this job, even if I do see her again it may only be a brief encounter. I think the new job she took won't be in looking over people, I had the feeling she never liked that, even when I worked under her I could tell she never liked giving commands or correcting someones behavior, plus she was always apologizing... it was so much fun picking up on her traits and watching her interact there, she really was an interesting person.


Well It's time for me to try and get a little more rest before getting up for work in a few hours, it's morning now and daylight has already broke through, I woke up at 5 this morning and felt like writing because these things have been on my mind.





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