rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-05-04 19:32:26 (UTC)

Feeling stuck

I'll just come right out and say it, I feel so stuck right now, like I don't know what to do. This is a time in my life where I am actually honestly admitting to myself that I need advice. I don't sometimes like the thought of needing advice, I like to think that I can work things out on my own but right now I feel so stuck like I am at a fork in the road and I could go down any path but I don't know which one!


So let me rewind and start from the beginning to sort things out:


Last year I finally graduated, it took me so long because I didn't take out any loans for school so I had to pay by working a part-time job. So basically working a part-time job, going to school, and living were the only things I was doing for the past 7 years. During this time I never found a relationship or real love, never had kids, never traveled or did anything exciting.


Now fast forward to today and I'm finally in a job that pays me enough to survive on my own, however I dislike the job, it takes up all my time, it's stressful..etc but it pays well. By the way when I say I dislike the job what I mean is that the position I'm in is very difficult.


Basically, my goals for this stage of my life were to: 1. go to graduate school, 2. Get into a serious relationship with someone, 3. Have kids 4. find a stable job and home, 5. Meet new friends and people and enjoy life.


Well right now, working 40 hours a week with only one day off just doesn't leave me any time to meet people or go to school. I am making enough money to survive however I don't have any time to enjoy the money I'm making because I work so much. I feel like some people would be critical of me and say I should just stick with the money, I know because there are lots of people struggling to make it paycheck to paycheck, some people may even say I'm lucky to be making this much money (which actually isn't a lot, but it's a lot for the skill set). But to me... when I go out and I see people with their FAMILY, laughing, smiling and enjoying LIFE I feel so jealous.


This is why I feel so stuck. I have other goals and dreams I want to accomplish but I feel like if I just up and leave this job then I won't have this opportunity to make this much money unless I complete the graduate and Phd program and find a good paying job. I know I can do it, but it all cost money.


I feel like I made the wrong decision to keep this job back in December. The plan was to quit the job in December 2015 so that I could get started with graduate school, that way I would still be able to get scholarships and things for grad school and well as have enough time to focus on my classes. The whole point of accepting the job was because I needed money to get through the winter months high electricity bill as well as pay for my graduate school application and any other fees for grad school.


But none of that ever happened. In November 2015 I got into a car accident and lost my car, with the loss of the car that ended up setting me back further than if I never had gotten the job so I ended up having to stay so that I could afford a new car. Then in February 2016 I had finally saved enough for a new car, I guess I could have left at that point but the cost of the car had set me back so I told myself I would stay a little longer to save a bit more and to possibly start my family. Well, I've been saving and I've been able to pay my bills but that's about it. I still am not in grad school and have no kids or relationship.


Up until this past Monday I was at least able to survive work because I was working with someone I really wanted to get to know, but now that she's gone I struggle to get through the day because most of my co-workers are older and we just don't have much in common. Right now I'm still in shock and trying to cope with it all, today I was reminded of how long she had actually been there which had been years which is why I was so shocked and dishearted that she would choose now to leave when I wanted to get to know her so bad. I keep on asking why now? but she is her own person, she never even really knew I was surviving there because of her.


So what do I do? I keep seeing older people and many of them look unhappy I wonder if they felt they made the right decisions in life, most importantly I feel like time is running out, just as TT left unexpectedly I feel like old age is going to creep up on me one day out of the blue and I'll regret not having enjoyed my youth.


There is so much more I want to write but I'm getting so sleepy it's difficult to keep my eyes open, I'll have to write more on this topic later.





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