Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-04-14 04:42:19 (UTC)

Venturing Way Off Course

I stayed up entirely too late last night dreading getting up for work this morning. Despite being fairly successful at keeping myself in a positive frame of mind, I still have days where I positively dread going to work. I don't honestly think it would matter what I was doing. I'd be a much happier person if I never had to go to work again. Perhaps it would be different if I was running my own little shop. I might be more inclined to go if it was my own business... but I'm venturing way off course.

I couldn't have gotten more than maybe 5 hours of sleep last night, yet somehow sleep deprivation wasn't a factor today. I felt fine physically. It was fairly slow going in the store, but I had some pretty solid sales, so that made up for it being on the slower side. I'm having a really good month. Not one bad day yet. I was prepared for one today, but it worked out okay. I'll take whatever I can get!

Just as I was getting ready to get off I got a text from Sephora saying today was the last day to use my 15% off coupon. So I did. And I don't even feel bad about it. It's been so long since I splurged on something for myself, and even, with the exception of two new shades of Kat Von D lipstick, I bought the same staples I need/use everyday for work. Mineral foundation, black eyeliner, face primer. As I was putting it away I thought to myself "I didn't get a single fun thing". Mostly because I don't feel like I should really be buying frivolous things. As much as I don't care about being rich or having tons of money, man it would be nice to always have what we need... and a little extra to spare.

A little update on my feelings about having dad here: I'm still feeling like at any moment he's going to realize he's miserable here and leave. Rationally I know that isn't going to happen. Sure he'll find a job. Probably find his own place. Maybe start dating someone... who knows. But I don't think he's going to up and move back to California. I think he's happy here. He hasn't said he isn't, so that's all I can really go on.

I'm also struggling with my own behavior and emotions. This morning I snipped at him over the coconut milk I was putting in my smoothies. It was entirely a non-issue, and yet I left feeling irritated that he questioned the wholesomeness of the organic coconut milk I added to my raw vegan smoothies (he felt the color was off - too white). It was just pride on my part (why would someone who eats a fairly unhealthy standard American diet question a high raw vegan?) and a little of my morning bitchiness (because I find mornings vile). I need to work through it. I was a little snippy after getting off work, too. But I was better after eating dinner.

I stopped at Central Market on my way home and bought a bottle of rose. I don't know why I feel the urge to numb myself, but I kind of do. I need more cannabis as well, I'm running low. The sad truth is, I hate the taste of alcohol, and I know I will never come to enjoy the taste. I do like how cannabis makes me feel, but I don't like smoking it, and I'm limited to what few strains come in the cartridges for my vape pen. It might be a great idea to pin-point what's making me feel like I need to medicate. Other than my back. I'm feeling a low level of stress. Perpetually.




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