Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-04-08 04:28:07 (UTC)

Bound By Duty

The doom was there when I woke up this morning. Of all the days for a storm cloud to settle over me, why today? I was really looking forward to a great day. Instead I wake up depressed, suffer minor disappointment, which morphed into anxiety, a headache, and a burning desire to run away from everything. But then again, that really isn't unusual. If a day didn't go by without me wanting to run away on some level, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Dad was gone when I woke up this morning. I guess he woke up and felt like the walls were closing in on him (his words via text). I can understand that. After living alone (since my brother moved to Colorado, and Mary moved out, he's been alone), it's tough getting used to a busy household with two other adults and 3 young children (okay, Annie isn't that young, but she's not an adult either). So, he set off on his own today. Exploring his new home. I did want to spend the day with him, since he just got here and I worked both of those day, but if he felt like he needed the time alone, I couldn't begrudge him that. I know I need lots of alone time, and I wouldn't take kindly to being challenged on that. It's a non-negotiable.

Snookums decided he wanted to get his hair cut, so we went into Silverdale to do that, then took the kids out to Fort Worden. I wasn't feeling inspired to go there today. It was one of the first earnestly warm days of Spring, and it was overrun with people. I love the solitude of Fall and Winter, when no one is particularly interested in going to the beach. My mind was somewhere else, entirely. I can't stop thinking about the future. What it holds for us. For my dad. How things are going to play out. It's a lot of unknowns.

On our way back from Port Townsend, I got a text from Gen asking that we consider paying more in rent. While I've been anticipating this for awhile (and kind of hoping our situation would improve before the topic came up), I can't say I'm at all surprise by it. We pay very little compared to what the same sized home would go for in this area. We've felt particularly blessed by that, since we're in a place of transition with Snookums in school. While I don't begrudge Gen asking for more money, it really did just make me feel a little sick to my stomach. Yet another thing on top of the (what feels like) a million other things we've got going on right now. I don't generally bring them up, because I don't see how it's going to do any good, but sometimes you just have to work through them. I'll do that a little once in awhile, but it's not a headspace I intend to move into. My anxiety won't allow me to live there.

Snookums and I went on a quick dinner date while the kids hung out with Papa John. Thai. Because he knows I like it, and he could sense that I'd been a bit off all day. During dinner I brought up the text conversation I'd had with Gen, and I in no uncertain terms told him that he needed to work more. Even with him being in school. This quarter he has two online classes and one brick and mortar class. He can work vastly more than he does. He's been averaging two, maybe three days a week. Resulting in a $350 paycheck. When he used to at least clear $800 a pay period. On top of that, we were still trying to adjust to losing his full time income when he spontaneously quit his job at the casino. I feel like he's sabotaging us as a family, and we're taking huge steps in the wrong direction. It's detrimental, and I'm not sure what I can do to get him to see that. So, I told him. Without mincing words. I hope it got through to him. We can't expect that my dad is going to contribute. And I don't want to ask him to. Even though Snookums has no issue asking his mother for money. Which bothers me. I know I've mentioned that before.

Another great source of anxiety for me is wondering if dad is happy here. I know I struggle greatly with finding happiness in our current living situation, and being that we're so much alike, I wonder if soon he won't feel the same stirrings. The desire to get away. The only thing is, there's nothing really keeping him here. I'm bound by duty. Family and work. He's not. I fear soon he'll leave again. Leaving me behind. Like he did when I was little. Only now, I'm an adult and I shouldn't tie my happiness up in him. It just won't end well.




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