Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-04-03 06:13:31 (UTC)

I Bet It's Blissful

I can't recall a day I felt less productive. Not only did I get virtually nothing done on the list I wrote out last night, but I didn't even make my step count for the day! Both of which are kind of soul crushing. At least if I'd gotten my list mostly done, or my steps in, I'd feel like I'd accomplished SOMETHING. Today, I got nothing.

I woke up around 9:30 this morning. I'd written myself out a list of everything I needed to get the house where I want it for dad's arrival. Right down to which stores I needed to go to to find what I wanted. I left a little before 10:30 with the intention of getting in, and getting out, and being home by noon or a little after... I didn't get home until 2:30. If procrastination was a paying job, I'd be a wealthy woman. I hate cleaning this house. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it's always... dingy. The walls need to be repainted, the carpet is fraying in places, we're always tracking dirt and pine needles/grass/leaves in (because there's no sidewalk and the grass is so tall). It's just looking rough, and it's a constant battle. No amount of lavender essential oil is going to fix that. I have a certain expectation for my home I can't seem to maintain, and it's bothering me. Which makes me want to say "fuck it" and stop trying.

I honestly can't decide if I want to live in the city, or give up living in a house all-together and just live in a little RV with Snookums and our pets (once the kids are grown and on their own). Maybe city dwelling until the kids are on their own? Sounds like a plan. Until then, we'll make the most of living in the sticks, though I'm not sure what's to be enjoyed about it. I can't even say I don't have neighbors. One of them is the most annoying neighbor I've ever had. I wanted to clean out my car today, but I couldn't because she was outside. Sure enough, I sent Kiki out to do it, and she started talking to her. I've told her I'm not very social and really aren't interested in interacting with her, but she won't give up.

The only things I managed to do were repot a few plants, transfer our Peruvian purple potato plant into a bigger pot, and organize my tea into a little basket I bought. The rest of the day I wandered around the house looking at all the things that needed to be done. Feeling entirely overwhelmed and a little pissed off that NOTHING gets done unless I do it myself, ride someone ass to do it, or have damn near a nervous breakdown until someone does it out of fear of me committing murder. No one ever wipes down the walls, dusts, straightens up, or sweeps/mops/vacuums without hella prompting. I had serious fantasies about being single with no kids. I bet it's blissful. I long for the day I'm no longer responsible for taking care of anyone else. I know that sounds terrible (because I'm a mother), but at some point I'd like a chance to be selfish. I've been doing this since I was 15. The putting of others first. Always.

I was going to stay up late and try to get some things done, but decided against it. Snookums has to be up at 5am for work, I didn't want to keep him up with my banging. I don't need to leave the house for anything tomorrow, so once I get started I should be able to ride the momentum. Hopefully if I'm motivated, the kids will be too. Kiki is actually a really good cleaner. She does a great job paying attention to details and following instructions. I just have to keep her motivated.

Dad posted on Facebook tonight that he's officially homeless. He handed over his apartment today. I'm sure it's a bittersweet time for him. I'm a little sad for him. He's lived there a long time. I'm sure it was full of memories. It makes me all the more hopeful that things go well with him here. That he's happy in Washington, and being with us doesn't feel like a poor situation. I know we don't have a ton of room, but we love him, and really don't mind having him here. Ugh. I'm so nervous about it, though. It doesn't help that we have a million things to get done before he gets here! Stress on top of stress...




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