sft

A Subs Space... OVER 18!
2016-04-02 19:19:55 (UTC)

Pivotal...After shock

What followed the meeting on Wednesday was one of the longest nights, and days of my life...
i have been given permission to paste some emails and my private entries, to describe what happened better...

i sat at my comp at home, and went to my private diary. i wrote...

Diary entry... "i want to feel You"


"i want to feel You again, to hold You again, to smell You again. i want You to hold me, and tell me You love me, and make me believe it, because right now, i can't quite believe it :(

is she there? Are You touching her? Is she being held by You?
Are You in the same bed we shared earlier, with her?

i'm devastated. my heart is aching, my eyes sting, my head hurts.
i want to text You! i want to talk to You, and You're not replying to my emails!

i'm angry... and confused. Why did You hide this from me?
Why have You been talking to her all this time, when You said she wasn't right for us?

Are You going to replace me? i feel sick with worry :(
i can't write about it.
i really want to message her, or kik her, or her so called *Master*!

i want to know everything! i need to know everything :(
i'm going to text You..."

And i texted Him. i knew at that time, she could be there :(
i texted Him again, both times got no reply :(

i then sent an email later...

"Sorry i texted You. i just wanted to talk. Have a safe journey tomorrow. i won't bother You again unless i hear from You."

i heard no more from Him that night, and went to bed feeling completely devastated :(

The following morning,(31st March), i found an email from the night before,(30th March), timed at 11.28pm...

"I have taken some time to think about this…

I am very disappointed in you, which is no surprise – you are disappointed in me.

Let me start by telling you what actually transpired tonight, since I promised I wouldn’t keep you in the dark: amie asked me to pick her up, which I did sometime after 7, then I took her back to the hotel and gave her a dose of the ruler and the cane on her bare bum and her tits. No marks, not as bad as the worst you have had it, probably average. I fingered her, but didn’t let her come, and she wasn’t allowed near my cock. Then I drove her home, at about 9, and then went to have supper. So those are the facts.
As for you and me, we’re back to basics, as of now. We have come a long way in our D/s relationship, but never forget what you are and whose you are. I am appalled by your behaviour! What rights do you think you have over my decisions???

I don’t know what you feel for me, and frankly, I don’t want to know if this is the result. you’re not my lover, my wife, my girlfriend or even a friend – you are my slave and my submissive. For as long as you wish to be those things on my terms, and not one second longer. Do I make myself clear?

As regards my feelings, those are irrelevant. Consider anything I feel for you to be icing on top of a D/s cake. Because that’s what it is – an extra dimension to be savoured for its rarity.

Think carefully about what you want, my slave. Follow your own instincts. Because this is no trifling matter.

We’ll talk again when I get home, or whenever I can before then..

M…

P.S. Do NOT attack or even so much as go near amie in anger – that is a dire warning. she is a pawn in a game she doesn’t even know exists."


i wrote in my private diary again...

Diary entry... "Drained"

"have passed through the night and day since in a blur.
my eyes are so sore. i haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and although my stomach is aching, and growling to be fed, i won't eat.
Food is now the only control i have :(

You told me there was no going back. You were my Master, You Owned me... i'm Yours.

i am feeling those words so much today, possibly for the first time.

It's funny... i can go without food, but i can't go without You. You are my food, my drink, my breath, my life.

i have long since given everything to You... now You will do with it whatever You please, and i have no say... no rights, no choice.

i feel broken :( Mend me? Fix me? Put me back together? Because i can't do it by myself :("


Then i replied to Masters email...

" i want to reply to this properly, because i didn't before, and You took the time to email me properly about it. i'm scared of saying things to You now, because i know You're disappointed in me, and i hate it when You are :(
But at the same time, i need to say things to You, and if i can't, it will eat at me, and cause problems between us.

So, first of all...

i'm sorry about my actions yesterday. i shouldn't have behaved so badly. i realize i have no say in what You do, and who You do it with.
You say You don't want to know what i feel for You. That's fine, but i have to tell You right now, and then i won't say it anymore, if You don't want me to.
i know i'm none of the things You mentioned... lover, wife, girlfriend, or even friend, but it doesn't stop me being hopelessly in love with You :(
i'm hurting... really badly right now. i need to tell You what i was thinking about yesterday and last night.

When You said You had invited her for a spanking, i was so shocked, because i thought she was history. Then when she emailed You later and said she would come over, i was fuming... with her. i would never ever do that to anyone! she arranged to meet with You, after i had gone, and You let that happen. You even fetched her, and took her back home! All the way to Sheffield and back twice... for just one hour of spanking?

i watched You as You talked to her in there. You were so absorbed in arranging stuff with her, it was like i wasn't even there. i felt awful. :(
Then You told me she was coming over at 7.30pm. i knew she would come after i had gone, if she did. she's a sneaky little bitch, and i hate her for this. :(

When i was going home, You stood there again, probably on to her. i was looking at the bed, and imagining You and her on it. :(
Imagining You touching her, and kissing her. :(
i wondered how many others there have been while i've been with You. i even asked You, because You said if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

i've cried so much over this. It's knocked my confidence in us, and shaken my trust in You. :(
i haven't eaten since yesterday morning. i feel sick with worry.
i want to say so much more, but i daren't :(

i have questions, and i hope You will let me ask them. :(

As for her... i won't message her. i was sooo tempted last night! i wanted her to know what she had done, how she had made me feel. i doubt if she would have cared anyway. That sort never do. They just want what they can get. No-one's feelings matter.
Well, i'm not like that, and i don't want to be!

i may be Your slave, but i still have feelings, and they matter! i may be bratty at times, and i may be awkward at times, but i can honestly say this much... no-one could ever be as loyal to You as i am, and no-one could ever love You as much as i do."

A short but sweet email was sent, and i suddenly felt a bit better...

"*kiss*

I will reply to this later when I am in my hotel, I can’t do it justice while working.

********"

i then returned to my private diary...
Diary entry... "In Limbo"

"i'm stuck in limbo. It's so hard not being able to talk to anyone about how i feel :(
It's hard You being away, and busy with work. i don't want to bother You with this, but i really want to talk it through with You :(
Why do this the day before You go away? Why couldn't it be some other time? Or not at all?

Anyway, i sent You a better email... to try to explain how i felt. i had to, i'm sorry :( i needed to say it, and i don't know if You're reading this here.

i don't feel i can write in my public diary right now :(
i've been there, seen a couple of messages, but not replied to them. i just can't write there! And definitely not about what's happened... not yet anyway.
The best part about it is, i don't want others to think bad of You!
They would all be thinking, if not saying... "poor girl, why is she with Him? Why is He doing that to her?"
And i can't stand to think of them, laughing, or crying, or pointing the eager "i told you so" fingers at us :(

i shouldn't care, but i do.

i care because i love You, and because although i am feeling so bad now, i would still do anything for You! i don't understand it sometimes, and it scares the daylights out of me to feel so helpless, but i love to feel so helpless at the same time?

As for amie... i said i hated her, but i don't... not really. she's just trying to find her own way in this life, and if You choose to help her do that, and she chooses to let You help her... then what can i do about it? Nothing...

i told You i was writing a story for You yesterday. i had almost finished it, but after yesterday, i changed a few things in it, and i've added an open ending, because it's a story i could continue with... if i need to, or feel i should.

The way i've changed it pleases me. i hope it pleases You too when i send it. It's not designed to cause any discomfort with You. It's designed to let You know that i know i'm Owned, i know i'm Yours, and i know i always will be... no matter what.

i'm now waiting for Your reply to my email. Then i will decide whether i can risk sending You the story i wrote. It was supposed to be for while You are away, but we'll see how it goes..."

At 7.30pm on 31st March, i got this email...

"My beloved slave,

There is a lot to put behind us and a lot to get through in front of us, so I’ll talk through each point you’ve raised, as I understand it…

I do always want you to be able to tell me your thoughts, but there are times when it would be better for you to work through things first, and then tell me. For example, if you’re angry with me. It’s not a slave’s place to be angry with her Master, but I appreciate that slaves are human, and they do get angry. But if you speak to me angrily, it won’t ever go down well, so your best bet is to get over it and then come and speak to me when you are no longer angry, and tell me how you have dealt with it. When you show anger towards me, I am just going to make you suck my cock until you have control of yourself.

your apology for your behaviour yesterday is accepted and appreciated. I know the feelings are not over for you, but the first step is to control your response. you may find it helps to imagine yourself to be a “real” slave, legally owned by a Master as a piece of property, with life and death control over you. I am sure those slaves often felt their Masters were in the wrong, but they either came to terms with it, or they petitioned him respectfully and without expectation.

Regarding my badly worded disclaimer that I don’t want to know what you feel for me, that’s just untrue. I do like to know how you feel, and your love and devotion give me unmeasurable pleasure. What I meant was, that being hopelessly in love with me is a bad reason or justification for losing your place as my slave. Love, if it costs your submissiveness, is a bad trade, I think for both of us. Paradoxically, I don’t think I can have the submission without the love – but the hearts and flowers can seriously get in the way of the D/s…

your imagination runs where it shouldn’t. It was a bit frustrating yesterday with the slow connection, and so what may have seemed like many long messages back and forth were in fact just a few one-liners from me, done using TeamViewer on my phone, via my PC at home. The phone doesn’t control the PC very elegantly, so each word takes a painfully long time. I am not defending my actions, I am just putting your perception of my “absorption” in perspective…

I won’t dwell on the amie stuff, in the light of your follow-up email, other than to mention that she lives in Dronfield, not Sheffield. I like her, even though there are some things I don’t like about her. That doesn’t mean it will go anywhere, but it does mean I reserve the right to nudge things along as I see fit, without you having a fit… I’ve always said I will tell you if anything significant transpires, and I would regard both any physical contact and any “status” commitments to be significant. (I.e., if she were to think of herself as my property, or be “in training”, these are things I wouldn’t do without you knowing. Nor would I spank her or otherwise touch her, without letting you know. Not because I need permission, or because you have a right to know, but simply because I want you to trust me and to know that I trust you.

I am not an entirely heartless Master. I am fully aware of how these things can shock you when you’ve got into a headspace that is too vanilla and complacent. And how much it hurts when you feel rejected and betrayed. I am not an expert in the mysteries of the female mind, but I am not that ignorant! All I do know is that we can’t negotiate our way out of this. But we can conquer it, as we’ve conquered many seemingly insurmountable challenges over the past 3 years. And as usual, I’m the one with the fiery coals and you are the one having to run through them… Who’d be a sub, eh? Especially for this Master… What I don’t doubt, and never in the past 2 years have doubted, is your love and devotion to me. That alone has made you my beloved and treasured slave…

*soft kiss*

We’ll be ok, my pet… we always are…

M…

P.S. I got a 4am start this morning, so it’s been a long day. I have had a headache all day, so I think I will try an early night… If I can’t sleep I will come back on later…"

That email made me feel so much better, and i then asked if i could ask a few questions about when He met amie. He said i could, so i asked...

"i have lots of questions. If You don't answer any of them, i will assume You don't want to, and won't ask You again.

When You and amie were together, did You kiss her?
Did You talk about me at all?
Did You finger her just once, or more than once?
Did You hold her, cuddle her in or on the bed?
7.30pm to 9pm is a long time together just for a spanking and a fingering!
Did You talk about her becoming Yours at all?"

And i got this reply...

"Here are the answers to the questions I remember:

· I told her up front that come things have to be earned – there would be no cock for her. No release either. So did she want me to fuck her? I don’t know. Did I want to fuck her? Well, of course part of me wanted to. But for various reasons, I didn’t.

· Yes, I held her. she has *very* sensitive nipples with small barbells pushed through them, and she squirmed all over the place when I touched them even quite lightly. When I wanted to use the ruler on them, she asked me not to. I had agreed not to continue with anything if she asked me to stop (she doesn’t belong to me), so I asked her to reconsider, and that I would build up to what she could take. she was crying, but agreed. she could only take the lightest of smacks, and afterwards, I held her and kissed her face and told her she was a good girl.

· So: I kissed her body and lips, but no deep kissing.

· I fingered her several times. she was very wet from the spankings, which went on in several batches.

· We did talk about you – I wanted her to know that you knew she was there. I said it was giving you some problems, but that it was part of your training, but I wasn’t specific about how upset you were. I think she is quite in awe of you despite not knowing you at all…

· I didn’t talk about owning her. she is owned by someone else (Neil gave her permission for the meeting), and besides which, I don’t think I want to own her."

i then sent Master the story i had written for Him, and He loved it :)
i feel so much better now, and i am ready to move on from this. i have spoken to amie aswell today, and we spoke about Master, and lots of stuff about their time together, and how He feels about her, and how she feels about Him.
The story i wrote has an open end, so it can be added to, if i need to. i will paste it here next, and i hope you will all see why i did it, and how i based it around Master's trip away, and amie meeting Him, and there are delicate details about the day of the meet, and how it all came about too :)
i think it was one of my better stories, and it helped me to make sense of what has happened :)





Ad: