Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-04-01 06:18:48 (UTC)

Famous Last Words

I keep thinking of all the things around the house I want to get done before my dad gets here. I'm not stressed about it, but I do want to get the house cleaned, a little more organized, and more food in the fridge/pantry. But none of that happened today. I still have time... famous last words before procrastination-driven panic sets in! I'm off this weekend, so that's when it will happen. He doesn't leave San Diego until Sunday.

Today, I rested. In general I found myself in very peaceful, serene state of mind. I didn't get upset or agitated about a single thing. Not one. It was blissful. I woke up naturally around 10am. I didn't feel the oh so common sense of dread or doom I often feel. It was a tranquil morning. I scrolled Facebook for awhile, then got up to make smoothies.

The combination of fruits I used turned out so good, I'm going to have to remember it so I can make it again sometime soon! I used 2 bananas, 2 Ataulfo mangoes, and 2 Cara Cara oranges, with about a cup of coconut milk and a splash of mango nectar. It was so creamy and refreshing. I'm glad I made two of them, because I had a second one for lunch. I really do love all of the smoothie combinations I've been coming up with. There's no way I'd eat 6 pieces of fruit (of any kind), but it's easy to get that much into a smoothie. I get so much more nutrition than I ever have before. I don't ever feel hungry, but somehow I'm getting in shape and dropping weight. I don't know how much, because I haven't weighed myself, but I can tell it's falling off. I feel a little torn about whether I'm happy with that or not.

I have a tenuous relationship with my weight. When I was younger, being heavy was a way of making myself more unattractive (so I thought). Men wouldn't pay attention to me or hurt me if I was heavy. I also suffered debilitating depression, so binge eating was a comfort mechanism for me. Now that I don't need to protect myself from anything, or anyone. I want to be fit and healthy, but I still struggle with the fear of losing weight, and my identity in the process. I've lost weight before, only to gain it back, because I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I'm sick of this cycle, but I'm unsure how to end it. I'm feeling the most self-love I ever have at any time in my life. Maybe now things will be different, and I can be the person (inside and out) I'm supposed to be. My body isn't supposed to be overweight. I believe that. I deserve to be healthy.

I needed to get my steps in, and it was such a glorious day. Snookums got home from work around 3:30pm and suggested we go walk the beach at Fort Flagler. I love that beach. It's one of my favorites, maybe only second to Fort Worden... We've had this conversation. So, that's what we did. My hip has been bothering me ever so slightly the past few days, so it was not totally pleasant the whole time, but I got my 10,000 steps in. It's getting easier. Soon I'll have to up my goal to 12,000! There are still enough days I struggle to reach 10,000 so I'm not ready to up it yet. Not until I don't find myself dancing around the bathroom at 11pm trying to reach my goal. Yeah, that happens.




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