Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Stuck In The Place Between
There really wasn't anything stopping me from getting up and going to the gym this morning (except, you know, depression)... but I didn't make it. I'm stuck in the place between really wanting to go (because I feel so great afterwards), and not wanting to get my ass up, because getting dressed/brushing my hair/putting on makeup (what little I wear)/packing my gym bag are simply too much work for my perpetually depressed brain. Literally, nothing feels harder than getting myself going in the morning. Add in I'm simply not a morning person, and I think that personifies my struggle quite well. It's so fucking hard. Yet, I could stay up all night.
I've fallen back into the undesirable habit of running late for everything. I didn't have to work until 3:30pm. I had all day to get myself going, and yet I still ended up 7 minutes late. I'm always somewhere between 2-9 minutes late. I can't remember the last time I showed up on time. This is a problem. The reality is, I'm not held to the same standards other associates are. If anyone else rolled into work 9 minutes late without a damn good excuse, they'd be reprimanded. If it happened repetitively, they'd be written up. No one has even said anything about it to me. I can't imagine it's gone unnoticed, and yet no conversations about it. Since I'm such a self-motivated person, who needs little external guidance, I'll correct this myself. Starting tomorrow, I won't just be on time. I'll be early.
So far, this month has been going splendidly. I know it's only 11 days in, but I'm ahead of sales plan, my SPAH is great, I'm feeling very motivated and positive. I have to admit, I'm really liking having Allison as our store manager. I thought I loved Sara as my manager, but the reality is, she stressed me out a lot. I didn't realize this until a couple days ago. Allison in general can be a little on the anxious side and a bit high strung, but you'd never know it by how she's running the store. It's like she tapped into some inner confidence she never knew she had. I don't feel like I have to tip-toe around her, she's always chill. I also feel like I have full license to self-govern myself. She doesn't micromanage my performance, and leaves me very much in charge of how I achieve my goals. I don't ever feel like my best isn't good enough, and as you know, that's something I've been struggling with for awhile. I'm feeling appreciated. And it's nice :)
I feel like there was something I wanted to talk about, but now I'm having a hard time remembering what it was. Which reminded me that I wanted to start writing down discussion topics in a little notebook throughout the day. So often, as I'm going about life I'll think of something I'd like to build on, or explore deeper, but by the time evening rolls around, I've forgotten. Like now. I can vividly remember sitting at the light, coming off the highway in Silverdale and thinking to myself "I need to remember this when I write tonight". Well, that was 10 hours ago. I might have written about it, or maybe I didn't. I honestly don't know, because I can't remember what it was!
A surprising development of being a high raw vegan has been my sex drive. It's kind of through the roof. I have a level of energy I can't really remember having even at a much younger age. Of course I still get tired, but in general I'm such more vitalized. I love it! That also seems to be translating well in my marriage. Snookums is doing his best to accommodate my boost in sexuality. I could easily have sex every night. I want to. That isn't always possible. So, I've been waiting until he falls asleep and handling it myself. This isn't easy for me to admit, and at first it wasn't something I was even really comfortable with (due to my strict religious upbringing), but I'm becoming more okay with it. I consider it an essential element of my health and well-being. It's good for me! But I'd much rather have the real thing. As much as Snookums will allow. Thankfully, this increased sexuality hasn't manifested itself in any damaging ways. I don't feel the urge to find a lover, mostly because I think those types of urges were driven more my mental health issues than by physical stimuli. But that's a discussion for another day.
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