Screened In Porch

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2016-03-01 00:14:29 (UTC)

Lunch with a friend

So this weekend sucked out loud. I spent one night having a pity party.
For myself of course. I hate facebook sometimes. I will defriend all
of the biologicals as soon as she passes away. I am beginning to
think the story of them calling in Hospice was a lie. She does not
appear to be dying at all in the videos they are posting. She looks
weak, sure, but she does not look near death. Not that I want her
to die. But please do not try to drag me into it. I do not know her.

It is that simple. I do not know any of them. Simple again.

I have had to deal with bouts of depression and post traumatic periods where once I had to spent three weeks in the hospital. I do not need
this. It is not my problem.

I have a family...if I die, they will be here. But I would not
want strangers at my bedside simply because we share some DNA.
My lord. Everyone does not feel the same.

I have tried to be a good person to her when I was able.
But I do not do death. I do not do funerals. And I do
not want to be there when she dies or has a funeral.
I would feel out of place. Like I said, I do not know these
people.

I want to be away from this...not a part. Just leave me a lone.

After having a long talk with my Mountain friend yesterday, she
set me straight and reminded me of my past. She reminded me
of how being reminded of that past always sends me sailing into
a tailspin that results in months of depression. I do not need
that.

I am dealing with shit here. My boss is ill. I have things
to handle here and with my own business. Surely to god....
someone will understand.

My lunch date friend today understood. She reached for my hand
before we ate and said a prayer to lift all this worry from me
and help me be the strong person she knows I am.....
how sweet is that? Right in Chili's...

We had a great time talking. She is going to help me go
pick out wigs. She wears them. Had one on today. It looked
great too. Also, she knows a doctor who does that hormone
replacement bioidentical stuff she is going to hook me up
with...so I can try it to see if it helps with the
night sweats and the weight gain.

I bought some time at the tanning salon downtown to try
red light therapy. It is something new to help your
skin.

I am trying to take care of myself....and stay busy....

this week will be getting busy by Wednesday.

later...

thanks to those of you who understand.......

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