Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Impending Doom and A Misunderstanding
Today's existence has been a whirlwind of emotions. Almost entirely due to the fact that I was born a female, and my hormone levels are rapidly dropping as I progress closer and closer to the day of menstruation. Because literally once it starts, I head back on the upswing and start feeling better. Please just start already... ugh.
I woke with that feeling of impending doom I sometimes wake with. I don't know why some mornings I feel it, and others I don't. My therapist told me it's the depression, but that doesn't explain why some days I feel it and others I don't. It was there today. Heavy. I compounded that shitty feeling, by getting rejected on Facebook. Fucking Facebook. I hate how big a part of my life it is, but as a hopeless introvert I desire to socialize no other way. Anyhow. Some random dude (who friend requested me weeks ago, but has yet to speak a word to me) posted about how he held the door open for a woman at Starbucks and she didn't say thank you. Somehow he equated this slight to millennials as a whole having no manners. All I did was say that as a millennial (raising another millennial), I hold doors and I've raised my daughter to do the same. I choose to decide character on an individuals merits, not what generation they were born in. He responded with "no shit" then blocked me. I wasn't and still aren't hurt by it. It's just yet another stone to add to the "I feel misunderstood/why doesn't everyone love me/get to know me/give me a chance?" pile.
I try so hard to be a good person, and I feel like the people who are mean to me don't even try to see that. I do my best to see the good in everyone. Yet, I don't feel I get the same courtesy. And it bothers me. So, that's the negative headspace I started my day in. Impeding doom and a misunderstanding. And there's today's title... Of course now I can rationalize that I made him feel stupid for posting such a stupid comment, but at the time I didn't understand why he blocked me when so many other people contradicted him in harsher ways. Perhaps they're actual friends of his and he's okay with them doing that. I was a stranger. Whatever. Insecure bastard. Moving on...
Snookums took me to Port Townsend! One of my favorite activities, and the weather was gorgeous. We had lunch at Khu Larb (my favorite Thai spot second only to Sabai Thai in Port Angeles), perused Phoenix Rising, and then stopped at Sea Change Cannabis to get Snookums some edibles.
Despite having an extensive vegan selection, I always end up getting the same thing: deep fried vegetable rolls and the Tom Jued soup. It's a delectable vegetable broth with glass noodles (a super thin, translucent rice noodle), Thai basil, Napa cabbage, cilantro, green onion, mushrooms, and tofu. That's it, and yet it's just so darn good! Snookums ordered a very interesting coconut curry. Not something I would have expected him to like, but he said it was amazing. They never disappoint.
For whatever reason, I didn't have the same meditative feeling I usually get when I walk into Phoenix Rising. The music, the smell of the incense, the way the light shines into the historic old building's windows, usually puts me in such a peaceful state. It didn't today. I wasn't unpeaceful... but I didn't have the settled sensation I often have when perusing the books, clothes, jewelry, etc. I was seeing and observing instead of feeling. I'll chalk it up to imbalanced hormones. I still enjoyed myself.
Snookums suggested we stop at Sea Change, even though I don't need a new cannabis oil cartridge yet. I'm surprised and pleased by how long it's lasted. Worth every penny. He's seen how therapeutic its been for me, and wanted to find something that could help him calm down and de-stress at night. School and work are getting the best of him. Poor dude. The budtender that helped us last time was there, and suggested a few edibles and drinks he could try. Snookums can't smoke, or even use my vaporizer due to lung damage he sustained a few years ago when he got really sick (he ended up spending 3 days in the hospital on a respirator. It was awful). He went with a soda and some hard candy. While he was getting educated on the different edibles available and how they'd affect him, I was thinking about how it would be a good idea if I learned how to make my own tinctures and oils. I could make my own edibles for far less than what you pay in a dispensary. It can't be that hard.
We headed home, because Snookums had math class. I ran into Silverdale (Trader Joe's) to grab groceries for dinner. Snookums requested pizza. It was then that I started feeling pretty yuck. I was a little dizzy, I felt tired, disoriented, and my back was killing me. Like no other. By the time I got home, I seriously started planning suicide hypotheticals. But that really isn't out of the ordinary. I do that daily. It was just particularly bad today. So, after Snookums left I laid down for a bit. A little over an hour. I couldn't sleep, but resting helped. I was able to get up and make dinner.
By the time Snookums got home, he could tell I wasn't feeling good. He suggested I try some of the tincture he got last time we were at Sea Change. He's such a big guy, it really doesn't affect him like it would your average sized person. So, it has basically been sitting on his nightstand. I added a dropper full to a bottle of kombucha and drank about half of it right away, and have been sipping on the last half over the course of the past hour. It doesn't have too much of a taste, but I'm slowly feeling it's affects. There's not much of a cerebral high to it. I'm not feeling trippy or anything. But I can feel the tingle in my body. My back pain is better. Not totally gone, but tolerable. I'm most definitely feeling more open and creative. I'm pretty sure I could write forever! But I won't. I'm going to sign off and go spend some time with Snookums before I have to go to bed. I open tomorrow. And I'm secretly hoping my shift will get cut short again. Work is the last place I want to be.
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