Screened In Porch

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2016-02-24 17:36:31 (UTC)

It has finally come to this....

Well, shit.

When you get my age, you do sometimes think back at those times
that comments came out of your mouth whether directly or to
someone else about another person that you really wish you could
go back and take back. Something to think about.

On my way home from the grocery store...I recalled the times
that I referred to overweight folks as "elardo butts". Get it?
Lard? Lard ass? Just another way to say that.

As I struggle daily now with being one of those lard asses...I
am at least thankful that I never really said those things to
anyone's face. But still, the words came out of this same mouth...

this fat ass mouth when it was only a small petite little size
7 or 8. Who in the hell did I think I was? Not much then...

I am more now than I ever was then. I know that.

So much sad shit going on in my life right now...
My sister...the biological is dying.....any day now.
Now the boss who I rely on so much has a year to live...

And then there is me. I have ate myself into being the blimp
I never wanted to be. A 1X is too tight. A 2X is more like it...
and for you smaller people...reading this..a 2X is basically
a size 20. A TWENTY! Not 18 or 16.....a damn TWENTY!

No wonder my knee is giving out. Bless it's heart...for having
to hold up all this unwanted ridiculous weight.

I stopped smoking....good for me.

I could blame that on the additional weight....
or

or...I could be honest...and blame it on my own
damn self....

the Ice Cold Coke in the refrigerator....
The oatmeal cookies....
the two times recently I stopped to get a damn
chocolate milkshake...and almost sucked the cup into
my mouth making sure I got that last drop.

It is official.

I am a fat ass.
A lard ass....
a el-lard-o butt. Yep...that is me.

My nails have started breaking off...
my hair is not growing...hardly at all.....
my skin is dry and scaly.

Shit...

I have let myself go

real bad.

For way too long.

Serious changes are on their way....

cleaning out the refrig this week....
already alerted them.....to be ready...
and not to bring that garbage back inside
this house.

He had me to throw out the frozen fruit...
I have not made a smoothie here in a while...
I have that damn thing...that makes them.
Supposed to be a winner...

the way they talk about it...and as much as
it cost me...it should suck the fat right
off my ass while I sleep.

But that does not happen.

I hate him working at night.
I hate it.

I hate my sister is dying.
I hate my boss is dying..
I hate my daughter seems to hate me now...
I hate my friend is hooked on pain meds...

if I want to live
if I plan on having a life...
with or without them...

I am gonna have to make serious changes....
and I am gonna have to stick to it this time...

Something is all wrong....
Everything...is wrong.
Everything.

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