Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Guillemot Cove
It's getting late, and I'm definitely tired, but there's no way I'm not writing. I had such a great day! Finally, something a little more positive to share! Before I get into the details, I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who has sent me sweet messages of encouragement, concern, advice, and especially the few who said I've helped them in some way, and inspired them. I share my life for my own selfish reasons. It helps me cope. I better process my issues if I write them out. And sometimes I just need to ramble about my day. I never assume anyone is actually keeping up with me. So, to hear that people have been reading for years, and are happy to see me back writing again is incredibly humbling and a huge compliment. So thank you, all my invisible friends out there.
And now back to your regularly scheduled diary entry:
At some point this week I'm pretty sure the weather report said it was supposed to be ugly and rainy today, yet when I woke up it was gorgeous! Blue skies, pillowy white clouds, a light breeze, temps in the upper 40's/low 50's. Just gorgeous. My original plan was to hit the gym before Snookums left for work, then spend the afternoon hanging with the kids, but since the weather was so great, I couldn't waste the opportunity to get out into nature. I half expected the kids to say they didn't want to go (because it isn't warm), but they all wanted to come with me. I decided on Guillemot Cove Nature Reserve, because I love the view. The little ones and I have been here a couple times, but Annie hadn't. So I was definitely looking forward to taking her.
Guillemot Cove used to be a homestead. A small family farm, on privately owned land. The original owner's descendants (grandchildren I think) sold the land to the county when their parents died (the original settler's children). I'm not sure why they wouldn't want the land, it's such a beautiful place. Situated on Hood Canal, with a breathtaking view of the Olympic mountains. Whatever their reasons, I'm glad they made it a preserve. The pasture land has been reclaimed by nature and has reverted back to marsh and wetlands. A little stream runs through it, and in the fall we saw spawning salmon passing under the bridge over the stream. There are a couple abandoned houses, a collapsed barn, and a tree house inside of a giant burned out tree stump. Not to mention some really well maintained trails. It was beautiful getting out into nature. As always, it restores me. We did the ridge trail for the first time, and MAN it was a good workout! I was dripping sweat by the time we descended. The really awesome part was how much stronger and in better shape I felt. Even though it was hard, I didn't feel the desire to give up. More motivation to keep up my efforts in the gym. Maybe more incentive to get myself there even on the days I don't feel like fighting the depression.
Today was definitely a day I'm glad I forced myself out of bed.
As we were heading back to the car, we brainstormed the crazy idea of going up to Port Townsend to catch the sunset, and have dinner. Annie asked if she could invite Colin. I love the kid, so of course I said yes. He lives out in Kingston, so between driving back from Seabeck (where Guillemot Cove is), and getting out to Kingston and back, we ended up missing the sunset. Partly because it was getting dark, but mostly because by the time we got across the Hood Canal Bridge, a huge storm front had rolled in. Our gorgeous day was definitely coming to a close. We had Thai at The Little Rose (my second favorite Thai place, second to Sabai Thai in Port Angeles). I really wish the downtown businesses stayed open a little later, I don't think I've every gone up to Port Townsend and not gone to Phoenix Rising. Next time, though.
We dropped Colin off at home after dinner, stopped at Central for a couple things (I needed hazelnut milk and a new bottle brush to wash my mason jars, and I bought the kids ice cream), then we came home. By this point I was feeling exceptionally worn out. More physically than anything. It was a long day. I ran myself a hot bubble bath, and settled in for a nice long soak. My peace was interrupted when my Woodwick candles set off the smoke alarm in my room (which sends a chain reaction through the house, all the alarms started going off), but the crisis was averted quickly, and I went back to my soaking.
The urge doesn't strike me very often, but while I was in the tub I felt the desire to pleasure myself. I only mention it, because it bothers me that it still feels... wrong. Like I'm not supposed to be doing it. I know this is entirely a product of my upbringing. There's nothing inherently wrong with it. Rationally I get that. I just wish I could reconcile that with the parts of my brain that still hear my irrationally judgmental, bible-thumping mother disapproving. It felt good. Nobody can please you like you can please yourself, and I think I read somewhere it's good for your health. Whether that's true or not is really irrelevant. It feels good. That's enough reason. I wonder what it's going to take for me to be entirely comfortable with enjoying it? I'm 33 years old. I've been exploring my body to some degree since I was probably 12 years old, and yet I still feel like it's something to be ashamed of. Fuck my mother and her brainwashing.
To top off my evening, and the end to a wonderful day, Snookums came home from work with a single baby pink rose. We don't celebrate holidays, especially not one as insignificant as Valentine's Day, so when I asked him what it was for, his answer was "just because". How sweet. It's on my nightstand right now, a lovely little reminder or a day well sent. If only more days could be like today.
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