Ruby

College life, worries, outcomes
2016-02-07 09:09:42 (UTC)

today

I have no idea what has been going on with me lately. but i have felt very emotional. I am unsure why though. Like i have been paying attention more and more with how my friends have been treating me and i am not liking it.

I am also very un hapy with my self for allowing me to be caught up with my firends and not towards my goal which is getting a good grade in all of my classes some how i always wind up back to where my friends are. Its not like i need them nessessarely. well actually everybody needs their friends but i just am mad at myself that i do not know exacly how to manage all together also today i sleps almost all of the day i didnt do anything productive except probably read a few chapters and that was all. i only worked on one class and tomorrow i have so many things to do that take up a large chunk of time all due before monday. i should have probably been doing homework today instead of hanging out with my friends but no. i followed my friends as if they treated me very well today there was A C and L and they were very concerned with L as if i wasnt in the room. or idk they just were more upset that she didnt go out and then there was me just there. i mean i know i can be socially awkward at times but they are supposed to be my friends right. arent your friends supposed to accept you as you are. Because if that is not the definition of friends then i dont know what is.

Maybe i just need to find friends who are similar to me in that way. maybe i just havent found who i am most comfortable with. maybe it is just me and everyone else ask these questions about my friends but the again in high school i never questioned anything. or with any past friends i never questioned a single thing. maybe i am just over analysisng everything that is going on in my life who knows. I don't. I just wished there was a way that i can now these things. tonight i am going to meditate over what i need to do because i feel that is the only way that i will be able to find an answer that i am looking for because right now i am just with out words. with out answers and all of this is really stressing me out. I know i dont even know if i am sleepy becuase i slept for a long time and i dont know i feel awake only because it is 4:20 am and i probably should be in bed. there is also someone having sex next dorea nd man are they totally not desecrate about it.

i wish that i could just get into this mood hwhere i gave no fucks about anything that happened and i did what i thought was best for me and not have to worry about anything that anybody thought. i also wish that i knew the best way to go about all these questions. i just feel quite lost today and because it is night this is the reason that all of these thoughts are occurring in my head. ahh i just cant deal sometimes the way I am it stresses me out. i just want to let go of everything and start on a fresh page . i wish life would tell you that you are doing the things corectly and not jsut put you out in the open for you to figure out.
for example what if what society has taught you that is success or makes you feel good is not actually what makes you feel good. what if its somethign that has not ever been seen before. what if you are the only person who can make that thing that makes you feel good. but is that ithing the true variable that makes you feel good or is it simply that ou thing that is supposed to feel good and so you feel that certain way. i have too many question of wich i want answers to but i dont hting that by writing them out, i will find a solution.

I will just have to sit with myself figure out a time that to solely focus on what i want and why i want the things that i want. after all what is the point of living on this earth if you have no purpose right? make a plan for mylife and reasure myself that regardless of things appearing a certain way that i will in the end do the things that i set my mind to. I belive this is the one thing that i have to make sure i get down right down to the brain heart and soul.




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