Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
The Beauty and Solitude
I'm so angry. Seething with rage. Up until this point, my day had been amazingly restorative and therapeutic. Everything was going so well... until I logged into our bank account to pay the rent (I transfer it into Gen's account). There was about $1,000 less in our joint account than there should have been. So, I clicked on it to see what was going on... my husband is a fucking idiot. Yes, I love him. Yes, I realize I'm mostly just saying this because I'm angry. Yes, I'll get over it. Yes, he's usually a wonderful man, and he treats me well. But holy. fucking. shit. He hasn't been paying the bills. Again. The electricity. Internet. Dish. Car insurance. Phones. He fell behind in all of them, and then paid them ALL at once. I have asked him dozens of times if he wants me to take back over paying them. If he wants me to sit down with him and plan out a budget or set up payments. He refuses my help, and I can't override him because he's got all the passwords to all the accounts. He thinks he's taking stress off of me, when in reality I feel even more stressed than I did when I was solely responsible for paying the bills. It's not like we don't always have enough money. That's the thing I don't get. We make too much between the two of us for this to keep happening. I don't understand what's going on! He doesn't pay, then he pays too much. How hard is it to manage your fucking recurring bills?! I'm so sick of this happening. Why? WHY?! Okay... I need to let this go. Again. It's like every 2 or 3 months he fucks it all up again. I could cry. Not because I'm sad we're going to have to struggle and scrimp this month (for no good reason), because I'm frustrated as hell he isn't listening to me, and causing me unnecessary upset. I'd never do this to him.
I was excited to share how great my day was. That got all fucked up. I'm really going to try to let it go now, and move beyond my anger. I mean really, I should be used to this by now... Deep breath... deep breath... in... out... Okay, lets try this again.
Getting up this morning was a challenge. I had to fight the urge to turn on the tv and just zone out. I really, really wanted to. Instead, I got up and made myself a smoothie. My appetite has been none-existent lately, but I can get myself to drink a smoothie. So, I did that. I got dressed. I left the house around noon (because I slept in and took my time getting dressed). I grabbed a soy latte from the drive thru coffee stand up the street, then headed over the bridge.
Originally my plan was to be adventurous and hike Hurricane Hill (one of the shorter trails up Hurricane Ridge), but by the time I got to Port Angeles it was starting to sprinkle (which means snow in the mountains). I wasn't prepared for a backwoods experience, and the threat of snow. Fiona (my car) wasn't ready, either! So I settled on Lake Crescent. I love Lake Crescent. It's one of my happy places. There's nothing more amazing than those gentle mountain peaks, and the crystal clear, blue water. Being close to Lake Crescent is one of the few things I miss about living up there.
Before leaving town for the lake, I stopped at Country Aire to buy beautiful local, organic produce and vegan yummies I have no idea why Central Market doesn't carry. Every time I go to Country Aire I wonder why I can't buy the same things at Central, a much bigger store. I'm really impressed with the array of vegan products Country Aire has started carrying compared to when I was there last. I'm thinking I should start putting in requests at Central. I bet if I can get some of the things I bought today on the shelves they'd sell well.
Sara texted me as I was leaving Country Aire, asking if I'd be willing to teach a bra certification class in Tacoma on Wednesday. I'm supposed to be off that day. I said yes, but I really wanted to say no. I'm feeling very disconnected, disillusioned, discontent with work lately. Despite yesterday being a good day, I don't really want to work any more than I have to. But, since my husband is being an idiot, I guess it's best not to turn down the extra hours.
When I got out to Lake Crescent I was pleasantly surprised to find it totally deserted. The lodge is closed this time of year. There were cars in the Marymere Falls parking lot, but not the lodge's lot. So, I went to that side of the lake. I strolled the Moments in Time trail, gazed out over the lake, and really took some time to enjoy the beauty and solitude. It was wonderful. It's been awhile since I spent any real time in nature (thank you Winter), so it was much needed. I hate the cold, but it really wasn't too bad. I bundled up. I think I'll be spending more time outdoors now that I know it won't kill me.
Almost as soon as I got back into the car, the rain came pouring down. I stopped and got gas in town (at the gas station down the street from our old house), grabbed another latte (because I'm apparently boycotting food), and headed towards home. Spontaneously I decided to stop into Sunny Farms Country Store in Sequim. I've passed by it hundreds of times and always meant to go in. It's pretty cool in there. So many gluten free and vegan options! I'll be back when I'm in the area. I found pecan caramel almond milk coffee creamer, dark chocolate peanut butter cups that taste just like Reese's, vegan gum with no artificial sweeteners, and single serve pour over coffee filters for when I make coffee at work (instead of making a full pot for myself). It's a great little store. I'm a little sad I've missed out on it all these years.
I need to be getting to bed. I open tomorrow. And then it will be another early day on Wednesday. I really wish money wasn't so fucking important. I'd quit my job and go hiking every single day.
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