Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-02-01 08:20:17 (UTC)

So Please, Let Me Live

In this moment, I am well. I'm warm, comfortable, safe, fed, loved. I'm okay. I think it's important that I acknowledge all that I do have, when so often I focus on what's amiss. In this moment, I am well. I am enough, I have enough, and I'm comfortable.

I started my day on a much more positive note this morning. I actually got up, made myself a smoothie (I've been struggling with eating breakfast in some capacity), and I read a few passaged from The Book of Awakening. I've gotten completely off track with that. It wasn't a conscious decision to start up again. I just reached over (it lives on my nightstand) and cracked it open. My days went better when I started them with that dose of encouragement and wisdom.

Procrastination is a strong suit of mine, so I didn't really get much more workout time in. A little more than I have been, though. And getting in some reading was definitely mental exercise. That's something. I used the leg press in the weight area, and I like it a lot. The angle is amazing for my back, and I love the overall feel of it. I just did 90lbs (two 45lbs plates) to start, but I'll definitely be adding it into the rotation. Along with cardio if I can get my ass there earlier!

Work went well. I had one of my best days in a very long time. On top of receiving confirmation that I did indeed make my month (and finding out my break-even point, the amount I have to sell before I qualify for incentive, is much lower than I thought it was. $218/hr instead of the $275/hr I thought it was). I worked with Sara for the first time in what felt like weeks, and the energy in the store was great. It's a good start to a new month. A better month. One where I go back to not obsessing over it all.

I came home from work, hung out with the kids until they went to bed, made myself some dinner, then took a nice hot bath with one of the bath bombs Snookums got me from LUSH. While soaking in the tub, I realized that tomorrow is the second anniversary of my miscarriage. I can't remember what all I've shared about it, but I know I've mentioned it. To offer the abridged version, two years ago I miscarried at 13 weeks. I went in for a routine appointment and there was no heartbeat. No signs anything was wrong. My baby was just gone. It was impossibly heartbreaking. I wanted my baby so much. I've wanted four babies since after having Kiki, and I was finally having my fourth. My last... But it wasn't meant to be. And tomorrow is going to be hard, but I'm planning on using it as a day of healing. I'll be spending some time alone, doing what I love, and healing what's left of the open wound still in my heart. The sadness will never go away completely, but even compared to how I was feeling this time last year, I can tell I'm compartmentalizing the pain. I'm getting better. I kind of want to talk to Corey about it, but then again I don't. Sometimes he elicits emotions I don't feel like feeling.

I've taken my meds and I'm ready to eat my bananas. Did I mention I like eating bananas while high? I'm going to sleep, and hope the universe allows me to get out of bed in the morning. Please let me live and be free of this burden. I don't think I can handle laying in bed all day, reliving my lose over and over. So please, let me live.





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