Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-01-31 08:43:26 (UTC)

Any Reasonable Amount of Time

I'm in such a weird place right now. The past few days, actually. I haven't felt like myself. I'm not in the mood for anything. I feel strangely aloof. Ambivalent. I don't care about the things I should care about (work in particular. Still giving ZERO fucks about my performance). I just don't know what's going on with me. It's probably a mini depressive episode. That seems to be what it's pointing to. I don't know what's causing it, but I'm sure I'll get through it.

Even though I didn't have to be to work until 3pm, I once again, gave myself no time at the gym. I can't seem to get my ass in gear in any reasonable amount of time. When I wake up, the last thing I want to do is hop out of bed and get a move on. At least it went better than it did yesterday. I actually did go. Just not with enough time to get a good workout in. This funk is messing up my goals. I don't know what it's going to take to get myself back in gear. I keep imagining myself this summer in good shape, feeling fit, and confident. That isn't going to come to fruition if I only give myself 20 minutes at the gym 3 days a week. I have so much free time on my hands. I deserve a good workout. I might as well use all of this time off for something good. Other than scrolling Facebook in bed.

I think today is the last day of the fiscal month. If it is, I made it. I'm safe. This shitty month is in the bag. If it isn't. Well, I'll eek along for another week, but I'm confident today was the last day. I looked in Blueday (our performance program that keeps all our sales data) and today was the last day on the calendar. If the fiscal month was ending next Saturday, there'd be one more blank week on the calendar. Now I can go back to not thinking about my numbers for awhile. Not that I've been worrying too much, anyway. I'm still wallowing in apathy. Ugh. At least today I'm not actively thinking about quitting. That's progress.

We had two women come in tonight to steal. They aren't unknown to us. They come in regularly. I got really upset tonight, though. I take it personally when people steal from us, but more so tonight because one of the women had her baby with her. We found a dirty diaper filled with sensors in one of the PINK drawers after she'd been hiding out behind the fixture. The thing that got me about this woman was that she was lucky enough to have this sweet little baby, and what was she out doing? Stealing shit and using him as an accomplice. I'd give anything to have a baby. But I don't get to. This low life, drug addict gets to have a healthy baby, though. Yep. Life is fair. I've already decided the next time she comes in, I'm breaking script. I'm telling her what I think of her. I hope she starts a scene so we can call security on her. I hope she has the most unsettling experience, and decides coming to our store isn't worth it anymore. I've done it in the past, and I'm ready to do it again. Not even so much because I'm upset about her stealing from the store. It's not my money. I'm more upset with her shitty-ass choices as a mother. What kind of life is her baby going to have if she get's caught and put in jail?

I've decided in the evening, my favorite thing to do is smoke weed and eat bananas. They taste the most amazing when I'm high. I also like that cannabis makes me care less about that's upsetting me, and I think deeper about the things I really need to focus on. Like right now, I'm not as upset about the shoplifting shit mom, but I'm really considering what I can do to get myself motivated in the morning. I'm going to brainstorm what it is I really want for myself. What vision I see for myself. I'm going to figure out a schedule for myself... while I eat bananas.




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