Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-01-28 08:09:10 (UTC)

My Loyalties Are Fading

I don't know what's going on with me, but I just haven't felt much like eating. I feel hungry (like right now, my stomach is growling). I just can't seem to think of anything that sounds good. This morning I made myself drink a smoothie, and I ate a couple small slices of banana bread. But that's all I've had today... and coffee, but that's not food. I have a banana, a can of pineapple juice, and a Silk dairy-free yogurt next to me on my nightstand, but I'm not entirely compelled to eat it. I'll eat it because my body needs some sort of nourishment. Usually I only have trouble eating if my anxiety is acting up. I don't feel anxious, just not very interested in food.

I logged onto Facebook on my laptop this morning and went through my friends list and got rid of all the troublemakers. I also changed my settings so that only friends of friends can request me. I didn't think that would really help much, since most of the people requesting me are friends of friends, but it actually has helped. This morning I had 38 requests. This evening when I got off work, only two. Maybe the flood of requests is finally coming to an end. Just getting rid of a dozen or so people has made a world of difference. There are still lots of lurkers, but they tend to be less active on Facebook than some of the others. It appears a lot of them don't log on everyday and don't post much or often. I can live with that. It's the middle-aged Indian men messaging me "hi" every half hour that was driving me INSANE. It didn't happen once today. YES!

Even though I didn't have to be to work until 5:30pm, I somehow gave myself ZERO time at the gym. I just couldn't seem to get myself moving. At one point I just sat in bed staring at the wall. I don't know if it's my depression being a bitch, or if maybe I just didn't have the motivation today. Once I get there I always enjoy it. I love the feeling of getting a good workout in. I love the rush of endorphins while I'm doing it. I love the burning sensation of pushing each muscle to it's limit. It's all great. It's what I need to be happy. But damn, getting out the front door is the worst. It's the hardest part about getting back in shape. Just getting out the door. Yet each day I can feel the subtle changes in my body, and it's incentive to keep going... if I can actually make it out of the house!

Work tonight was probably the worst night I've had (sales-wise) since we started tracking. I think I sold maybe $260. It was so dead, and the few people coming in seemed to be doing returns. For whatever reason, I'm not even upset about it. I'm also not upset that next week I'm only scheduled 17 hours. I have no idea why I'm barely scheduled, especially since I only had 21 hours this week (which will end up being 17 hours because my Sunday shift got cut). I know payroll is tight this time of year, but Kaitlin is scheduled 32 hours next week. You'd think Sara would have made it a little more equitable. Yet somehow, I'm still unbothered. I've accepted that I'm growing less and less attached. My loyalties are fading. I keep asking myself if this is what I see myself doing in 10 years. 20 years... the answer is always no. This isn't a forever gig. It never was supposed to be, and yet somehow that's what it's become. I know there's no place for me in upper management. I won't be promoted. I know it's because I don't play the bullshit games well. And that's okay. It's not me, and I'm not going to try to fit in where I don't belong. The fact of the matter is, the time to move on is swiftly approaching. If I'm not going to get enough hours to live on, then that seems like a solid reason enough to move on. I won't be hasty in my departure. I'll make sure I have something lined up first. I think it's time to start looking.




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