Katie-Brave

My Letter To The World
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2016-01-22 00:44:06 (UTC)

Loyalties

I though with actually officially being in FBCG would i don't know make things better in the sense that they are decided and i would just accept it.
and it would be better because i would finally be a part of something agian which i need which i missed and i'm trying i really am.
but the thing is my heart doesn't agree with my head and my heart has loyalties that it doesn't know what to do with.
i'm here...for prayer meeting. but my family...isn't and won't be because they are focusing all their energy on FBCG.
and the people love then and they already have their place and their roll and i'm still trying to make it past a five word exchange with 96% of the people
them Hi how are you?
Me: i"m good how are you?
Them: good. (as they walk away)
that's it...
and that's the good exchanges the Bad ones with D&D well they just look past me and avoid eye contact and don't say anything...yeah.
this suck...
Now i even have a place to belong and i don't belong there.
and whats worse...is i get no sympathy and no understanding from anyone and that sucks.
they say two things:
1. "oh give it time i'm sure you'll find your place soon"
2. "maybe you should go somewhere else it's that obvously not where you feel like you should be and so you have to branch out and go look or you'll never find it...it isn't going to just come to you."

Blah blah blah.
over and over and over.

and you know what one of those things..is the reality i get that... but that doesn't make the situation any better...it doesn't fix it and sometimes i need to vent too.
Guess thats what i have a diary for...
and now i just feel empty and alone.
the only thing i have is my loyalties and they are tearing me apart.

peace.

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