rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-01-13 09:23:33 (UTC)

Sitting at home..

Well, here I am just sitting at home. All previous motivation and zeal to go out early this morning and look at cars and do laundry have all but vanished after yesterdays "talk" with my manager about my performance and the threat of loosing my job at any given moment. I no longer feel as sure about investing in a car over a certain price tag... (by the way, I'm not saying all of this to make people feel sorry for me or even ask for a handout, I think everyone goes through something like this at some point in their lives.. I'm just writing about it to get things off my mind)

So for example.. I was looking at a car and considering purchasing it with the money I've currently saved from working this holiday season as well as my upcoming paycheck which should be enough, I was considering a brand of car called "Subaru", I did my research initially and found that the car had good safety ratings and didn't have any open recalls, that was a plus and I was excited to go and look at the car today (my day off), well that didn't happen because last night while still in distress about work I realized that this Subaru is not as popular makes such as Honda and Toyota, and it's not about the popularity or how it looks but more of the cost of repairs if it were to ever break down on me.


The problem is that if I purchased it I would be purchasing it used, and it doesn't come with a warranty. Another thing I looked up was the carfax for the car and I found that who ever owned it before it was offered for sale had the breaks changed like 3 times in 2 months and well as other maintenance that was repetitive, things that should only have to be repaired or maintained every year or so was being done every month, that in itself was a red flag. Because of my prior history with cars I am terrified of getting another lemon, but most particularly one that will cost even more to repair because I would have to go to a specialty repair shop to find a mechanic who knew how to repair Subaru cars.... and that just adds to extra cost over all, so I would be looking at the initial price of the car plus thousands of dollars worth of maintenance over the years.


With the threat of not having a job or income I just can't risk that right now so I'm deciding to go with a car that won't be such a headache in the long run. The problem with that is that most used cars have lots of miles on them and more miles can mean more troubles... in an ideal situation right now I would purchase a car new with a warranty and I would have less to worry about, but the problem with that is the cost, if I took out a loan it would expand for a few years until the car was completely paid off, and there is no telling how likely it is I will find a good paying job in the next few years...

To be honest this has all been very frustrating and I'm just thinking about taking a chance on everything. Life in itself is already a huge gamble, you never know what you're going to get, who you're going to be, or how you're going to end up... we all take a chance every singe day we wake up in the morning.

I think I just feel overwhelmed with these adult decisions that I have to make, what kind of car should I buy? what will I do about my educational plans? how can I find a better job? when should I start to focus more on starting my own family? where should I live? how can I get the most out of life.... these are just some issues I've been dealing with... but you know what.. it's not that bad! this is life and I know everyone goes through similar things and ask the same questions.


The other day I was browsing Tumblr and I found a girl who has MS (multiple Sclerosis), she is young, maybe 17-22, I'm not sure. I don't know much about MS but apparently she is slowly loosing use of her body because of the deterioration of the myelin coating around the nerve fibers in the central nervous system, apparently there is no cure and nobody knows what causes it. I just imagine it must be very difficult to have MS especially at such a young age... it's just stories like that they force me to put my own problems in perspective. Of course I could have MS and not even know it... I just know I'm always fatigued, like right now.

I wish I could watch a movie or something right now, I haven't changed my provider yet though so I'm stuck with this for now.


I just wish the perfect car could just show up in my driveway, I've never been so tired of looking at cars, I know more models than ever before since I've been looking at cars every week since I lost my car. Today I searched craigslist and found a Honda at a decent price, it has the airbag problem but the price seemed good... what kept me off craigslist before are all of the horror stories that I've heard of people who tried to buy something using the site, and I wouldn't have anyone to go with me and I'd be worried about getting robbed or something worst going by myself, especially with me being so small.But the person I was corresponding with SEEMED nice... they gave me ok details about the car and were honest about the issue it had, apparently someone sold it to them after rolling back the miles on it... things like that make me worried...


I'm going to take a nap. I'm mentally exhausted




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